I'm back! Back at school, I mean. I didn't actually go anywhere or anything. I just didn't have like anything to blog about because I was doing literally nothing with my life.
No things. None of the things.
But now I'm back at school doing the things and stirring the fry and so now I have material.
Yay for material.
Not so much yay for what the material contains, but the, like, presence of material is a good thing. I guess. See this is the problem with having a depressing blog. If depressing things happen, you get weirdly happy about it because now you have stuff to blog about. But also it sucks because there are fleas in your couch and you have to throw it away.
But I'm getting ahead of myself.
Let's start with the flea thing. My apartment was completely infested with fleas this summer. I left it for a few weeks to do vacation things and when I came back BAM! FLEAS!
There were so many.
So many. You literally cannot fathom how many fleas were in my apartment. There was a flea army. A literal army of militarized fleas living in my carpet fibers. The level of fleas was well over 9000. IT WAS HORRIBLE.
I had to throw away my couch and my ugly orange chair. I loved that chair. It was so ugly. I freaked out so much about the fleas that I lost my voice, regained my voice, developed a temporary stutter and then threw up.
I REALLY HATE BUGS, OKAY? Even though they are mostly gone now, the traumatic memories remain. Like, haunting me and shit.
They bit me and got in my sock drawer and got all up in my socks' business.
Long story short, I now have no socks to wear to work.
Oh! Oh! Speaking of work, I got a nametag! Yay! Also a locker! I hope I don't lose them as punishment when my boss sees that I have no socks.
I am so excited about those two things though. Also I am excited because my boss says the football players may not be coming back this year. I do not hate football players. I just...dislike them. A lot. Like, probably more than is healthy?
They just make my job SO HARD and SO STUPID.
Granted, a lot of my job is stupid anyway, thanks to myself and my behavior. Also my puns. I am more proud of my puns than I should be, I think. When I am an adult with an adult job, I will probably have to reduce the amount of puns, old memes and geeky references that pepper my speech.
I think they make me sound totes mature and respectable and shit. Society...seems to have a different view. Whatever. Society is stupid.
Trust me. I have most of a sociology degree.
I am a professional.
Blah. I have like two hours before my next class. I was going to play skyrim, but I forgot to bring my mouse. And you can't play skyrim with a trackpad. You just can't.
I hate first day classes. They are awkward and stupid. All we do is go over syllabuses. And studiously avoid making eye-contact with anyone. Though, I'm starting to think the eye-contact thing might just be me. Maybe.
Gah, I am so weird.
Like, I was excited to go back to work. How strange is that? My job is literally one of the worst jobs ever and I missed it. I think I have Stockholm stir fry syndrome. It is what happens when you are forced to stir the fry so often that you before weirdly dependent on it. And also the money it provides.
But mostly just the stir frying experience.
Hmmmm...what else can I tell you...
I went to a bar the other night. I was weird and awkward. No one was surprised. I utterly failed at trying to make guys buy me drinks. It might have something to do with the fact that I didn't wear my glasses so I just sat the the bar being unable to see and making weird faces in an attempt to somehow improve my eyesight.
It did not work. Glasses suck.
And as my dad always says, guys don't date girls with glasses.
My dad is really good at accidentally insulting people while trying to compliment them. I call it at complisult. That sad thing is, he's always legitimately trying to be nice. My dad is a nice person. He doesn't say mean things about his kids. But when he tries to compliment them...
"You look really good from far away!"
"You look so much better without that goop on your eyes."
"You actually sound like a grown-up over the phone!"
And of course...
"Guys just don't date girls with glasses, Danielle!"
I'd say it makes more sense in context...but it really doesn't. I like my dad, he is the best dad. But sometimes...he is just bad at saying words. He's started doing this thing where he nudges me when a boy even remotely close to my age walks by and whispering "Danielle!" like I might not have noticed the college-aged male human in my proximity.
Yes dad, I see him. Yes dad, he is my age. No, I am not going to attempt to jump him. Why? Oh, because it's weird that you're pointing out random dudes. Like, really weird.
Ugh, my family. My little brother, who is like six, has his own version of complisults.
He doesn't compliment people, oh no, he insults them. He just does it really, really, really specifically. It comes out complimentary because it's like, really? That's the biggest issue you came up with? Wow, I must not have many faults if you had to dig that deep.
The other day he told me "You don't do well in school!"
Uh, okay.
And he told my brother "You're really sensitive!"
I've been told that ladies like a sensitive guy.
He told my mom, "You breathe too loud!"
That's what you're going with? You're going with breathing volume?
I think it's really funny. It's one of the few super mean behaviors that I didn't teach him myself. He came up with it all on his own.
I am so proud.
In other new, I am worried that I am ruining my little brother. He is way too sarcastic for his age. Like, most six year olds are not sarcastic. It's just kind of obvious. But my little brother spends most of his time around me and my two other college-aged siblings.
Yeah...he's picked up a few things. I'm pretty sure he's the only one in his first grade class who regularly uses the word "douche" and the phrase "look at this asshole" to describe people.
I brought him to his meet the teacher night and we literally sat in the corner all night and snickered about the other kids. Who were all six.
I am horrible.
But I'm also hungry.
So I think I'll go fetch a snack before class.
XOXO Gossip Girl
(But actually Danielle.)
(Shit, is that XOXO thing like trademarked? Am I gonna get sued?)
(Gimme a sec...okay, uh, disclaimer? I am not affiliated with Gossip Girl. Or the CW. Or the letters X and O. Okay, that should take care of it.)
