18 Days until College: Imaginary Reptiles

Today...


My family returned from camping. My family often leaves me at home while they take various fun trips, such as yesterday's camping trip, three-weeks-ago's camping trip, spring break's Great Wolf Lodge trip, last fall break's...well, you get the picture. Oftentimes, I'll wake up and go upstairs from my basement to find a note that says something like: 


Danielle-


We are going on a fun trip to <insert fun place here> and we assumed that you did not want to come with us. Also, we took your car, so no going anywhere. And, we don't really care that you're going to have to walk to work late at night because we took your car. So, have a fun week! 


Love, Your Family


P.S. We left you no money and no food either, so you're probably going to have to walk to the grocery store and spend your own money if you get hungry. 


     So...that's my family. Yes, I know being at home with no parents is supposed to be all fun and stuff and I'm supposed to throw parties and whatever...but, I have no friends. So, no parties. Well, my turtle and I played some board games last night (I won) and had a race (he won) and then ate some canned soup because that was all that was left in the entire stupid house. 
    Do you cook canned soup? I don't. Seriously, it's like a waste of two-and-a-half minutes that could be spent doing many more interesting things. Like playing board games with a turtle. Anyway, cooking soup is recommended...not required. So, no harm done to me or my soup. 


I need to find friends who are not imaginary or reptiles. Or imaginary reptiles. 


      Anyway.
So...I've been sleeping on my couch ever since my futon broke. My back kind of hurts. Granted, my futon was from Walmart, so it's not like it was a particularly high-quality piece of sleeping equipment...but, still. This whole no-bed decision that I made when I bought the stupid futon may not have been my best decision. 
       Sleeping on a bed at college is going to be super weird. 
I'm going to go and have a nice conversation with Julio the Imaginary Gecko. Yep. 


Danielle OUT. 

27 Days until College: How to Get Tips at Work

Today...
     I worked. At the Custard Stand. Where I work. So, that was fun. No, not really actually. We were so NOT BUSY. 
    Being not busy at work totally sucks for me...mostly because I make less than minimum wage and, as I stated in my last blog, I'm stupid poor. So...tips are a good thing for me. So, by some highly complex and mathematical reasoning, I've deduced that fewer customers = fewer tips, and by that logic, fewer customers = sad/poor Danielle.
    But, anyway, I've become rather skilled at making customers (when I have them) give me their money. There are a few simple rules that, if you follow them, will make most customers tip you. 


Firstly, you have to smile at them. It doesn't matter if they're shouting at you and your ears are really starting to hurt. It doesn't matter if they have like fifty people who are all ordering dumb things like shakes with bananas, strawberries, peanut butter, almonds and M&M's in them. It doesn't matter if they pay you in entirely nickles. It doesn't even matter if they're Amish. YOU STILL HAVE TO SMILE AT THEM. 


Secondly, if they have a dog or a kid, you should compliment it. Tell them that it (the kid and/or dog) is super-cute or well-groomed or whatever you have to. Keep in mind...this strategy DOES NOT work for spouses. I repeat DO NOT attempt to tell someone that their spouse is super-cute or well-groomed. This does not go over well. Also, if the kid is over, say, eleven, they may attempt to give you their phone number...So, use this one with caution. 


Thirdly, don't swear angrily about the customer when you think the window might be closed. Yes, they may be a stupid bleep-bleep-bleep, but the window might be open. And the stupid bleep-bleep-bleep may just prove what a stupid bleep-bleeper they are and call your boss. And then tips are the least of your worries so...just don't. 


Fourthly, you should empty your tip jar every twenty minutes or so. This will make the customer feel bad for you, the poor, tipless employee. Also, you should do things to draw attention to the fact that it's empty, like, say knocking it over or throwing it at them. Maybe, if you're a poor Danielle...ahem, kid trying to pay for college, you could talk to them out your student loans or about how you don't have enough money for a computer just yet. 


So...use these four tips for making tips and you'll be about twenty-some-odd cents richer in no time! But, a word of caution first. Some people are dumb, stupid and cheap and they will not tip you. EVER. You could compliment their kids and their pets all day in a gentle, soothing voice as you make their incredibly large and complex order with a smile on your face and they will STILL NOT TIP YOU. When this happens, you are allowed to call them a bleep-bleep-bleep...but, make sure the windows are all closed. 


Danielle OUT. 

29 days until College

Today...

well, i shouldn't even start with just "today" I should start with "this entire summer so far" so...

This ENTIRE Summer so far...

       Has been a endless and vicious cycle of me being poor, and then lonely because it's hard to do things with friends when you have no money, and then bored because your friends are all doing things without you and then being poor some more. Apparently, college costs a fortune. And not a small fortune...no, I'm talking about enough money to purchase a small country. Seriously, it's like I'm deciding between getting a college degree and becoming emperor of like...New Zealand or something. 

      Also, Zealand is not a real word, apparently. Stupid Google Chrome keeps putting a squiggly red line under it and coming up with brilliant suggestions like "did you mean 'zealotry?'" No Google Chrome, I did not mean zealotry. In what circumstance would I want to become emperor of New Zealotry? (ps. zealotry means extreme or excessive zeal or devotion...i wikipedia'ed it.) 

       

        Also, I think it might be pertinent to disclose the fact that I maybe copied...ahem, was inspired to create a blog by a few of my facebook friends (which I still have in spite of my no-internet-for-like-a-month-because-AT&T-are-tools fiasco). so...props to everybody who's still my facebook friend and also has a blog. 

      

      I dyed my hair blue today. 

      I'm serious...I did. 

      Not all of it, but I did. With kool-aid. That stuff RULES. My hair smells like berry berry blue right now. It's pretty fantastic...except for the fact that I think it might be attracting bugs. I got like fifty eight mosquito bites when I went outside earlier. Seriously. But, anyway, while I was kool-aiding my hair, I also kool-aided my hands. So now my hands are also berry berry blue. 

     It looks like I murdered a family of smurfs. 

   Danielle OUT.