So we all know how I'm currently the Queen of Awful Driving, yes?
Yes.
So, I'm pretty sure I'll be holding my title over into 2013...And how, you ask, am I pretty sure? Well, because I just did more awful driving!
I can't drive in the snow, it's something I've known for a while now. From late November to early March, I've simple accepted that I shouldn't be on the roads. It usually works out awesome for everybody.
But today was my younger brother's christmas festival...party...thing, so my parents asked me to go and be his replacement parent or whatever. I was like "yeah, okay, everyone already thinks I'm a teenage mother, so I don't really care." So everything was dandy and well.
And then it snowed. And snowed. And snowed some more for good measure. So, I woke up and my family was gone and I was expected to drive. And I tried to drive. And guess how that ended?
Badly. It ended badly.
I got to the end of my street before trying to brake and spinning in two complete circles. And then a half-circle...so I ended up facing the complete wrong way.
It was actually kind of impressive. I would have been pretty excited about it if I wasn't crying so hard. So...yeah. That happened. And then I drove a little further, panicked about hitting a house (I didn't, you know, hit a house. I just realized that hitting a house was a possibility.) and then stopped.
I stopped and left my car on some random street in my neighborhood and then walked home. And it was cold and there was snow and it was terrible.
I wasn't wearing smart human shoes, either. I was wearing stupid moccasins that filled with snow in like two seconds. Pair those with the yoga pants and sweatshirt I was wearing and you have an awesome outfit for, like, early November. Not December. Not December with wind and snow and coldness.
It sucked is basically what I'm saying.
Still, I'm glad I didn't hit another car/a house/a pole/a roundabout. That would have sucked majorly. My ordeal only sucked minorly.
Anyway, are you wondering what I have yet to mention the apocalypse? It's because I made a video about it this morning!!!!
(PS. It's kinda long...sorry. I said a lot of funny things, okay?)
So, there's that. Gah...I'm still all panicky about my magic car spin thing.
I should go lie down and not drive. Or retrive my car. Either of those two things.
Whatever. May all of your drives be as snow-free as possible.
I hate everything.
I should probably clarify that...
It's finals week, I'm stressed and the best I have to deal with my stress is to convert it into rage and then direct that rage at people I don't know. It's perfectly healthy, probably.
Well, now that we've gotten my trademark negativity out of the way...it's time for another list-based post!
Yay!
Here it is...
The Five People You Meet During Finals Week
1. The Substance Abuser
The Substance Abuser is easy to spot. They'll usually be dressed in sweatpants, a backwards baseball cap and sunglasses, no matter what time of day it is. Colloquially, they're also known as douchebags. They probably have a low GPA and a parent willing to pay for them to screw around at college.
And I guarentee that they will spend most if not all of finals week drunk of their ass. They may or may not come and actually take their finals and if they do, they will either be drunk or hungover. Avoid these people at all costs. They tend to be persuasive enough to make you think that drinking an entire bottle of vodka totally counts as studying for your chemistry exam.
2. The Insomniac
The Insomniac should be avoided at all cost. Not because they pose any significant threat to your own finals week performance, but because they're really, really annoying. At 8 AM on the first day of finals, the Insomniac has already gone three days without sleep and is already seven cups of coffee deep. And why, you ask, do we know this? Simple. We know this because they WON'T FREAKING SHUT UP ABOUT IT.
It's finals week. Everyone is tired. Everyone is dealing with less sleep...we really don't need you demanding that we compare sleep schedules with you. If the Insomniac spent more time actually studying and less time chugging espresso, they would get done studying with plenty of time to catch a nap before their first final.
3. The Media Maven
Thankfully, most of us manage to buckle down and shut up during finals week. Not the Media Maven, oh no. They are determined that absolutely everyone in the entire world must know all the intimate details of what they're doing to prepare for finals. When they start studying, they must post about it on facebook.
And twitter.
And their blog.
They may even take a picture of their notes/study guides/computer and post it on instagram with a caption like "studying loll! #YOLO" Why do they post that they're laughing out loud about studying? I like to think they're laughing because they know we all know that they aren't actually studying because they're too busy posting about studying to study. In actuality, they are probably just programed to types "lol" after every single thing they post.
4. The Super Nerd
We all know and hate the Super Nerd. Not only have they turned in every assignment and every extra credit assignment and aced every test, they probably have published articles in whatever field they're studying. They're the kids who have terrible glasses, un-ironic kitten sweaters and headgear. They're also the kids who will likely be your boss someday.
They live for finals week...finals week for them is like hanukkah for Jewish people. It's the one week a year that society acknowledges the thing they're good at (be it knowing the answers on tests or knowing all the words to the "Dreidel, Dreidel, Dreidel" song). The Super Nerd is ready to kill it this week...they have their study guides color-coded and prepped for action.
They're going to get 100% on every single one of their finals and ruin the curb for the rest of us.
5. The Black Hole
We all reach this point. You've studied and studied and you just can't take it anymore. No matter how much knowledge you pour into our brain, it all just seems to leak out. You, my friend, have become a Black Hole. Nothing can escape the soul-sucking despair that has come over you. Not study guides, not sparknotes, not even time. The last few hours before your final slip past and all of the sudden you're stuck in the exam room staring down at a test that you know none of the answers too.
You do the best you can and go home where you'll sit, sucking up all the joy. After a few comatose hours spent drooling on the couch and watching cartoons, the Black Hole will stop sucking up joy and become a normal, underacheiveing college student again. Finals week will be over and, while you probably failed half your tests, at least you don't have to do it again for a while.
So...there's that. Be on the lookout for these kids...they'll make an already hellish week all the more hellish.
Good luck on your finals...and also on hanukkah, Jewish folks...
