Day 155 of College: Vodka Wal-Mart

Today...


I've noticed some things about college. College girls in particular. To be particularly particular, the college girls who go to Ball State. To put it plainly...


They're all terrible people and I don't like them. 


Yep. There are reasons. Some Most of the reasons are terribly petty. I am a teenaged girl after all. Pettiness is kind of a reinging theme in teenage-girl-dom. 


There are 4 kinds of girls that I've noticed during my time here. I will list them for your reading pleasure: 


1. The Fake Alcoholic


The Fake Alcoholic is one of the most annoying types of college females. She will go out  between the hours of eight and midnight and go somewhere, presumably Wal-Mart, for an hour or so. Then she will go back to her dorm, apartment or cardboard box and slur out the claim "Omigod, I am so wasted."


NO YOU'RE NOT, YOU FAKER! You can't get wasted walking around Wal-Mart. You can get sad. You can get very, very sad. BUT YOU CAN'T GET "SOOO WASTED." You don't smell like vodka...you smell like a combination of sweat, desperation and sample cheeses. WE KNOW. WE ALL KNOW. 


2. The Real Alcoholic


This one is sad. Just like Wal-Mart. She will go out, procure liquor (lick her? I barely know her!) and drink it alone in her room. She doesn't go to class. She does go to parties. She goes to A LOT of parties. More parties than me! That's just crazy-talk! (Expect it isn't. I went to one party this year and spent most of it watching the history channel. Woo.) 


The Alcoholic will usually smell suspiciously like Wal-Mart. But not normal Wal-Mart. Vodka Wal-Mart. Vodka Wal-Mart smells like sadness, sweat, desperation, sample cheeses and imagination. Because it isn't real. I wish it was. 


3. The Super Streetwalker


Her name says it all! If it stays still long enough, she will try to hit it. Not in the violence way. In the streetwalkery way. She likes parties and boys. And girls. And the occasional canary. 


Why a canary? CAUSE SHE'S A HOOKER, THAT'S WHY. 


Also, she may be a stripper. We may never know. 


4. The Psychology Major


Yes, there are some people out there who actually want to get a doctorate in psychology and pursue it as a career. These are not the people I'm talking about. That all cleared up? Yes? Good. 


Now, the psychology major is your typically dumb high school girl except now she's in college. She can't decide what to major in. "Well, psychology sounds sorta fun...and I'm super good at giving all my BFFs dating advice...I have a gift!" 


No you don't. You don't have a gift. You don't even have a fully functioning brain. And, sweetie, you shouldn't be majoring in something YOU CAN'T SPELL. 


(Little known fact...that's why telecommunications majors call it T-Comm. Multisyllabic words don't go over well with the T-Comm crowd....I hate my major.) 


So...this list started to get unwieldy. We'll finish it in the next blog, shall we? 


Don't answer. You don't get a say. Now fetch me a turkey leg and some feta cheese, will you? 


I TOLD YOU NOT TO ANSWER. To Vodka Taco Bell with you! (Vodka Taco Bell is not a happy place. It sounds like it would be...but it really isn't. Mostly it's just normal Taco Bell.)


In other news, I'm currently on the I-don't-know-what-to-major-in train once again. I hate the stupid I-don't-know-what-to-major-in train. It's unfun and stressful. My stupid family. They're all teachers. You know how people have "family professions?" Yeah, well, my family's profession is teaching. THEY ALL THINK SPENDING COPIOUS AMOUNTS OF TIME WITH CHILDREN IS A GOOD IDEA. They're crazy people. 


Woo woo


Oh, sorry. That was just the  I-don't-know-what-to-major-in train letting me know that it's getting ready to leave. I better go get on else I'll be stuck at McDonald's station. 


Or majoring in Psychology.


Hahaha. I jest. 


(Or do I?)


Danielle OUT.