Non-Fruit Ninjas, Dragons, and Cake

I'm baaaack! 

Well, not back so much as...writing again. I don't know. I've always been, like, around. I didn't go anywhere. I just didn't do any blog writing of late. Anyway. Things. 

I've got, like 16 days of school left. I am not excited. I like school...well, not school so much as my dorm room and not living in my house with lots of different people. There are lots of people at my house. Lots. I think we could be our own tiny nation, if we so desired. 

My dorm room is small and safe and clean and mine. My house is literally none of those things. Meh...I will miss you, room 336...

Anyway. I've decided I want a snake next year. Or a cat. One of those two creatures. Maybe both, I don't know. Pope John and I agree that I've gotten to the age where I can start filling my loneliness with animals. And cake. 

But back to my snake. His name will be something clever and he will eat dead mouses and everything will be fabulous. Unless he sneaks out of his cage at night and kills me. That would not be fabulous. That would actually suck. But...back to his name! I'm thinking Vincent Van Gogh. It could call him Vinny for short!

 But then people would think I named him after the Jersey Shore...

Hmmm. That would not be acceptable. I've never even seen the Jersey Shore (the place or the television show...) 

I'll keep thinking. 

So I went and saw a bodybuilding competition yesterday. It was weird. There were a bunch of really fit guys on stage (which I liked) and a bunch of really fit girls (which I did not like so much). They were all either really tan or painted orange. 

It was SO WEIRD, you guys. SO WEIRD. 

I was kind of disgusted, but also kind of fascinated. They were all so ridiculously in shape. I just wanted to tell them that there is a point where you stop looking attractive and start looking like an alien. 

Or a collection of balloon animals. 

The winner got a sword, though. I really want a sword. I could play real-life fruit ninja. But, with my terrible coordination and poor vision, fruit ninja would most likely turn into actual ninja. 

Because I would accidentally stab and kill someone. 

So, less ninja and more accidental murderer. 

Manslaughterer. 

I should know more about this. I am a criminal justice major, after all. 

Oh! In major news (ha, get it? because it's major news, but also news...about my major...oh, puns...) I added a second major. 

I am now a criminal justice-slash-sociology major. Hoorah! My life didn't feel quite useless enough for me.

 No, but I'm actually really excited. I love sociology and the only reason I wasn't already majoring in it is because there is no such thing as a job for someone with a sociology degree. 

But! With a criminal justice degree, I am somewhat marketable! So I can write more papers about how the emergence of the hipster subculture represents the breakdown of traditional gender norms, but still eventually get a job! 

Yay! 

So, the weather kind of sucks today. I know, I know...I'm talking about weather, but bear with me. It's hot, but it's also wet. It's like the inside of a dragon's mouth. 

If dragons were real and had mouths instead of, you know, no mouths because they are make-believe. 

But, I digress. I've changed clothes three times today, because I can't deal with it. I have no dragon-mouth temperature suitable clothes. I don't know if they even exist, what with dragons themselves not existing and all. 

Yeah. I should go before unicorns and basilisks get involved. 

Everything would just get weird if that happened. 

Wednesday Bail

So...I've been a bit AWOL these past few weeks, haven't I? You all didn't even get a post-valentine's day rant. 

And, for that, I apologize. 

Guess what I've been doing? (if you said eating, sleeping and procrastinating, you're not wrong) Mostly, though, I've been playing my Xbox. Go ahead, shake your collective heads with disapproval. I know...I'm the worst. 

I just...I started on a new game series and I could not stop. In the past, like, month I've gotten average of 5 hours of sleep a night. I have a problem.  

But, no, I finished my game series (Mass Effect, if you were wondering) about a week ago. And the ending of the third game was so soul-crushingly horrible that I couldn't summon the will to do anything other than sleep, eat cereal and cry in the shower. 

And...that's what's been happening with me. 

Moving back into non-video-game-related matters, my spring break starts at the end of this week. "But, Danielle," You might be saying, utterly perplexed, "You can't be having spring break! It's February!" 

To that, I would respond, "I know. Ball State just sucks. At everything." 

But, no, my professors are trying to squeeze in their exams before we leave on late-winter break. I have four tests this week. It's the worst. 

So, I had to take this written exam. One of the questions was "describe three different types of bail." Well, I only knew two different types of bail. So, I wrote those down and then stared at the paper. And I stared. And stared. 

And I could not even come up with a made-up kind of bail that sounded even a little bit reasonable and/or legitimate. 

So, I wrote "the third type of bail is Wednesday bail. Wednesday is exactly the same as regular bail expect it is paid on a Wednesday." My professor just wrote the word "NO" on my paper. 

It all worked out fine because I got a B+ on the exam and I was like, "eh, whatever. I'll take it."  I still think I should have gotten an extra credit point for cleverness. Because, technically, Wednesday bail is a real thing...

But I digress. 

This is short...but I really don't have much else to say. I'll be back when something depressing happens. 

The Consequences of Aging

I'm bored as hell.

This class...I'm starting to think that Thursday night blogs are going to be a regular thing. I am actively trying not to pay attention. Seriously. It's like I'm spiting the professor, Ball State and my student loans by getting absolutely nothing out of this class.

Meh. This sucks.

Anyway, I signed a lease for an apartment. So...that's good. And expensive. But also good. I'm gonna have my own kitchen and stuff, but no car. So, I'm not exactly sure how exactly I'm going to get the grocery store.

I mean, it's not like I'm going to take the bus. Someone might accidentally touch me or breathe my air and my many mental disorders won't let the shit fly.

 I'm joking.

(Or am I?)

My many issues aside, I need to start going to the gym again. (Or, like, for the first time. I haven't really been before.) But, no, I picked literally the only major that, like, requires you to be in relatively good physical shape. Apparently, fighting crime requires being able to run and also do push-ups. Who knew?

I currently get winded walking up stairs (or stair...one stair...isn't that just, like, a ledge? Or an uneven piece of ground?) But, whatever. All I know is that I have a ways (a very, very long ways) to go before I can run a mile and half like the FBI wants me to.

Anyway. I'm 20 in fours days...so that's a thing. I'm not really all that excited. I feel like once I'm not a teenager, a lot of the weird shit I do will be less acceptable.

Watching cartoons when you're a teenager? That's cool, bro. We get it. You're still young. You're just bored and tired of watching the Maury show. It's totally normal that you feel like watching a few episodes of spongebob now and then.

Once I'm 20 though...watching cartoons stops being understandable and starts being creepy. Same thing with being unemployed and single and obsessed with video games.

God...I'm still single. Gah. My life is the worst.

And to add fuel to my single-sadness fire, Valentines Day is coming up. I've got my sad playlist and carbs ready. Bring it on, you stupid day devoted to happiness that I'm not allowed to be a part of. Sometimes, I feel like being in a relationship gives you membership to some super-secret happiness club.

I want to be part of the super-secret happiness club!

But I feel like the things that I mentioned before (watching cartoons, being unemployed and being obsessed with video games) would kind of be detrimental to being in a relationship. Also, I hate feelings and talking about them. So...that doesn't help.

This class is slowly sucking the life out of me.

But, I should go and at least try to pay some sort of attention. Ha, I'm kidding. I'm going to go and online shop until this stupid class is over.

The Ballad of me, my xbox and the Spider-People

So...screw college.

That is how I'm feeling right now. Mostly because I'm in the middle of a three-hour night class and three-hour night classes are no fun. I'm not even kind of paying attention.

It's a "myths and legends" class. I hate it. I know what you're thinking. "Danielle, why are you in a myths and legends class? You're a criminal justice major! Oh no! Did you change majors again?" 

No, I didn't change majors again. I just have to take this class because Ball State is the worst and wants to make me take stupid classes about things that aren't criminal justice related. All I want to do is bring justice...to criminals...

A working knowledge of myths and legends will not help me do that. I highly doubt I'll ever need to know anything about creation myths in my career. Unless I'm after a serial killer who is obsessed with creation myths and legends.

I don't know. It sounds like an episode of a network crime show. Like SVU or NCIS or CSI or DMV or some other acronym.

I want to go home...to my dorm...where my xbox is...

I've gotten a bit...umm...obsessed with that lately. I went on Friday and bought a new game. I spent all weekend inside my dorm and beat it by Sunday. Now I'm replaying it on a higher difficulty. At the rate I'm going, I'll have it beat again by tomorrow.

I have a problem.

Speaking of problems, these creation myths are messed up. The world was a weirder place when there were no drug laws. All these ancient people were probably all hopped up on meth and LSD and whatever.

I know they didn't have the resources or technology to make crystal meth back then. Don't tell me that. I'm a criminal justice major for God's sake. I've seen Breaking Bad. I know what I'm talking about. 

The professor just said the words "cat-people" and "evil magic" in the same sentence. I really don't think I can take this level of ridiculousness much longer. I mean, I'm wacky enough on my own. I don't need your assistance, random professor. 

So, I've been looking at apartments for next year. It's stressful. Living in a dorm, I don't really think about all the money I'm forking over. It's one big stupid payment. But with apartments, everything's about rent and me paying it and that's not cool with me. 

I am excited about having a kitchen, though. I'm pretty sure I'll end up eating nothing but grilled cheese sandwiches and popcorn, but in my head I become a five star chef. Eh, whatever. I like grilled cheese. 

Good lord, this story just got weirder. There are spider-people, a water-monster and wind what speaks people language. I don't know how I'm supposed to deal with this. I don't claim to know how the world was created, but I'm pretty sure that spider-people didn't have anything to do with it. 

Well, I should go and listen to this drivel. Eventually, I'm gonna be tested on it and be expected to know why the spider-people created the world and what the cat-people's evil magic had to do with it. 

I swear I'm not on drugs. This is actually happening. 

Apocalypse Now?

So we all know how I'm currently the Queen of Awful Driving, yes? 

Yes. 

So, I'm pretty sure I'll be holding my title over into 2013...And how, you ask, am I pretty sure? Well, because I just did more awful driving! 

I can't drive in the snow, it's something I've known for a while now. From late November to early March, I've simple accepted that I shouldn't be on the roads. It usually works out awesome for everybody. 

But today was my younger brother's christmas festival...party...thing, so my parents asked me to go and be his replacement parent or whatever. I was like "yeah, okay, everyone already thinks I'm a teenage mother, so I don't really care." So everything was dandy and well. 

And then it snowed. And snowed. And snowed some more for good measure. So, I woke up and my family was gone and I was expected to drive. And I tried to drive. And guess how that ended? 

Badly. It ended badly. 

I got to the end of my street before trying to brake and spinning in two complete circles. And then a half-circle...so I ended up facing the complete wrong way. 

It was actually kind of impressive. I would have been pretty excited about it if I wasn't crying so hard. So...yeah. That happened. And then I drove a little further, panicked about hitting a house (I didn't, you know, hit a house. I just realized that hitting a house was a possibility.) and then stopped. 

I stopped and left my car on some random street in my neighborhood and then walked home.  And it was cold and there was snow and it was terrible. 

I wasn't wearing smart human shoes, either. I was wearing stupid moccasins that filled with snow in like two seconds. Pair those with the yoga pants and sweatshirt I was wearing and you have an awesome outfit for, like, early November. Not December. Not December with wind and snow and coldness. 

It sucked is basically what I'm saying. 

Still, I'm glad I didn't hit another car/a house/a pole/a roundabout. That would have sucked majorly. My ordeal only sucked minorly. 

Anyway, are you wondering what I have yet to mention the apocalypse? It's because I made a video about it this morning!!!!

(PS. It's kinda long...sorry. I said a lot of funny things, okay?) 

So, there's that. Gah...I'm still all panicky about my magic car spin thing. 

I should go lie down and not drive. Or retrive my car. Either of those two things. 

Whatever. May all of your drives be as snow-free as possible. 

The Five People You Meet During Finals Week

I hate everything. 

I should probably clarify that...

It's finals week, I'm stressed and the best I have to deal with my stress is to convert it into rage and then direct that rage at people I don't know. It's perfectly healthy, probably. 

Well, now that we've gotten my trademark negativity out of the way...it's time for another list-based post! 

Yay! 

Here it is...

The Five People You Meet During Finals Week

1. The Substance Abuser 

The Substance Abuser is easy to spot. They'll usually be dressed in sweatpants, a backwards baseball cap and sunglasses, no matter what time of day it is. Colloquially, they're also known as douchebags. They probably have a low GPA and a parent willing to pay for them to screw around at college.

 And I guarentee that they will spend most if not all of finals week drunk of their ass. They may or may not come and actually take their finals and if they do, they will either be drunk or hungover. Avoid these people at all costs. They tend to be persuasive enough to make you think that drinking an entire bottle of vodka totally counts as studying for your chemistry exam. 

2. The Insomniac 

The Insomniac should be avoided at all cost. Not because they pose any significant threat to your own finals week performance, but because they're really, really annoying. At 8 AM on the first day of finals, the Insomniac has already gone three days without sleep and is already seven cups of coffee deep. And why, you ask, do we know this? Simple. We know this because they WON'T FREAKING SHUT UP ABOUT IT. 

It's finals week. Everyone is tired. Everyone is dealing with less sleep...we really don't need you demanding that we compare sleep schedules with you. If the Insomniac spent more time actually studying and less time chugging espresso, they would get done studying with plenty of time to catch a nap before their first final. 

3. The Media Maven

Thankfully, most of us manage to buckle down and shut up during finals week. Not the Media Maven, oh no. They are determined that absolutely everyone in the entire world must know all the intimate details of  what they're doing to prepare for finals. When they start studying, they must post about it on facebook. 

And twitter. 

And their blog. 

They may even take a picture of their notes/study guides/computer and post it on instagram with a caption like "studying loll! #YOLO" Why do they post that they're laughing out loud about studying? I like to think they're laughing because they know we all know that they aren't actually studying because they're too busy posting about studying to study. In actuality, they are probably just programed to types "lol" after every single thing they post. 

4. The Super Nerd

We all know and hate the Super Nerd. Not only have they turned in every assignment and every extra credit assignment and aced every test, they probably have published articles in whatever field they're studying. They're the kids who have terrible glasses, un-ironic kitten sweaters and headgear. They're also the kids who will likely be your boss someday. 

They live for finals week...finals week for them is like hanukkah for Jewish people. It's the one week a year that society acknowledges the thing they're good at (be it knowing the answers on tests or knowing all the words to the "Dreidel, Dreidel, Dreidel" song). The Super Nerd is ready to kill it this week...they have their study guides color-coded and prepped for action. 

They're going to get 100% on every single one of their finals and ruin the curb for the rest of us. 

5. The Black Hole

We all reach this point. You've studied and studied and you just can't take it anymore. No matter how much knowledge you pour into our brain, it all just seems to leak out. You, my friend, have become a Black Hole. Nothing can escape the soul-sucking despair that has come over you. Not study guides, not sparknotes, not even time. The last few hours before your final slip past and all of the sudden you're stuck in the exam room staring down at a test that you know none of the answers too. 

You do the best you can and go home where you'll sit, sucking up all the joy. After a few comatose hours spent drooling on the couch and watching cartoons, the Black Hole will stop sucking up joy and become a normal, underacheiveing college student again. Finals week will be over and, while you probably failed half your tests, at least you don't have to do it again for a while. 

So...there's that. Be on the lookout for these kids...they'll make an already hellish week all the more hellish. 

Good luck on your finals...and also on hanukkah, Jewish folks...

Drug Trafficking and YOU

Greetings, blog readers. So...it's been a while.

Like a couple of months. I've been busy.

Don't look at me like that...I have. I've been doing so many productive things and making so many friends....

Okay, okay, you caught me.

I bought an xbox.

So...technically I have been busy. Just not busy in a positive way. Unless you count playing Skyrim for like 8 hours a day as a positive way to be busy.

Moving on...my video game playing has led to some crazy escapades. And by crazy escapades, I mean me injuring myself while doing something stupid. Again.

All I was trying to do was hang up a kickass Batman poster because my room was boring (it's not boring anymore. Now it has a kickass Batman poster). So, I was doing that. Just chilling in my room and standing on a desk and hanging up my poster. I got it all stuck to the wall and I was like, "yeah! this Batman poster looks awesome! no more crime for my room, no sir!"

So, I was all excited and whatnot. I was going to hop off my desk, head downstairs and get some celebratory grape jello. That didn't happen. I jumped from my desk to my bed...and it all went downhill from there. See, I can't jump very far in real life. In video games, I'm a world-class jumper. I could jump the crap outta any jump-related situation. In real life, not so much. Long story short, one of my legs ended up on the bed and the other ended up on the floor. I inadvertently did the splits and suddenly walking wasn't really in the cards for me.

I've been limping around like some sort of demented pirate for the past two weeks. It's made my walking class rather difficult.

That's just one of the wacky and depressing things I've been up to. I also had the stomach flu on Thanksgiving and dressed as Batgirl some more. So...you know. Average Danielle-type things that I've been doing.

Right now, I'm in class. Criminology to be precise. My professor sucks. A lot. Today we're talking about cocaine trafficking and prostitution. Fun topic, right? WRONG! She's making it SO BORING!

How does one make prostitution and cocaine boring? I don't know! It's like a recipie for fun and debauchery! Or a kickass movie! It should be like Scarface up in here and instead I'm so effing bored that I'm stabbing myself in the leg with a pencil just to stay awake.

I should really be teaching this class instead. I'd wear my Batsuit and bring in a real live prostitute for the students to look at (don't touch...they bite!). I really am so much better at things than most people.

Gah, I should go.

I've probably got lead poisoning from all the pencil-leg-stabbing I've done.

So, if I die in the next few hours...that's probably why.