Modifications and Mediocrity: The Danielle Story

I didn't have to wear a coat today, guys. 

It was a strange experience. I felt like one of those slim fast adds where a person loses a bunch of weight, but in this case it wasn't a bunch of weight. It was two jackets and a coat. 

I don't know. I'm pretty sure the weather is lulling me into a false sense of security. I'm going to get used to wearing short sleeves and then BAM! zero degrees again.

Indiana is sneaky like that. It lures you in with promises of corn and high obesity rates, but before you know it you're walking to work in zero degree weather and the sidewalks are super sub-par because Muncie is literally one of the worst places on the planet. 

Living here is kinda funny in the way that women comedians are funny...so, not actually funny and more just uncomfortable. And there are lots of jokes about "that time of the month" wink, wink, nudge, nudge. And you keep looking at the clock and wondering if you should leave or just stick it out and get sloppily drunk because, let's face it, there is no way you are getting through this evening sober. 

And...that metaphor got away from me a bit. Moving on. 

So, I saw some people from high school this weekend when I was judging speech state this weekend. While I was there, I crushed the dreams of like a hundred children. It was a super rewarding experience...five out of five, would recommend. But, no, I saw a bunch of people who go to places like IU and Purdue and they're super proud of their colleges and their life choices. 

And whenever somebody asked them about school, they had exciting things to talk about and large amounts of school pride to display. Whenever somebody who went to Ball State was asked about school, they would sigh rather sadly, look out a rain-streaked window and shake their head slowly as they thought about the long past springtime of their youth. 

Spoiler alert...that was me. I was the one staring despondently out the window because Muncie is secretly a gateway to the underworld. 

Moral of this really stupid and rambling story: Do not trust Indiana or its weather. Do not trust.

But, no. There are so many things I was supposed to do this spring late winter break. And somehow I managed to not do any of them. Literally none. I am a winner. At life. And at making terrible choices.

Spring late winter break was weird guys.

So I bought skyrim for my computer. And...Welp. That sentence pretty much sums up my whole break.

For those if you who are woefully uniformed, Skyrim is a video game (or, let's be real, beautiful, cinematic adventure that is a landmark in both storytelling and awesomeness) where you get to fight dragons. 

What's better than fighting dragons? 

Oh, that's right. Literally nothing.

But, yeah. That's what I spent my break doing...exploring Skyrim and murdering dragons. 'Twas an epic quest, let me tell you. 


And that would be fine and all but, I get way too into things. 

It's a pretty basic component of my personality. If there is a normal-person level of liking things, I will at least triple that. If I has just a tad less self-awareness and a tad more money, I would buy or fashion skyrim armor and wear it on the daily. 

(I get like this about a lot of stuff, guys. Like, a lot of stuff. I am not a well-adjusted adult. I named my cat after a fictional space marine.) 

But...yes. I am way too into this game right now. Unhealthily so. There are these things called mods that make pretty minuscule changes to the game. I've downloaded like five dozen, just, graphics mods. They change completely random things like making the colors slightly more vibrant or the stars a little brighter or the texture on the grass more dense.

I have wasted hours on that shit. And that's not even starting in on the stupid mods that do stuff like make the enemies curse when you punch them. I found one that puts monocles and tophats on all the mudcrabs.

They are hella classy, yo.

And speaking of things that are hella classy...

I finally finished all of the apple juice wine in my fridge. So...I no longer have to triple check my apple juice before being sure it is in fact apple juice and not wine. 

Ugh. Guys, I hate wine. Even apple juice wine. It is just gross. 

Also, it seems that "apple juice wine" is a legitimate phrase that I am using. I am at a point in my life where I say that and I am referencing an actual thing.

I am...a hot mess. Cold mess? Lukewarm mess. Feels about right. 

Speaking of my appearance and its temperature, I am about five-hundred percent done with, like, having hair. I hate my hair. It is stupid and too long and, like, four different colors because of all the times I've dyed it. 

Maybe I should just shave my head and be done with it. 

Would I look good bald?

No.

Would it be worth it anyway?

Possibly.

Ugh. Life is actually horrible. I hate college and also Muncie. I hate dealing with people and things. People and things are terrible. I just want to become a professional writer and make up stories about people who are way more together than me.

Real life is so dull.

The mud crabs are tiny and they have no top hats. Also, the only way to improve graphics here is to wear my stupid hipster shades.

Ugh. Modifications needed guys. So needed right now.

How (Not) to Make Good Life Choices

The weather's up to double digits, you guys.

 #heatwave

There is supposedly a giant monster storm headed my way next week. So...that sucks. I almost want to have kids someday for the sole purpose of telling them I walked miles uphill in the snow to go to school and work. 

Because I legitimately do! There are hills involved in my walk. I have a hole in my favorite pair of shoes. I own a newsboy cap. I am essentially an orphan in the 1930s. 

So...valentines day is coming up.

Ugh.

I happens to be the weekend after my birthday. I plan on going up to Purdue and going to the bars with my friends. It's probably really sad that going to bars is less unhealthy than my usual coping methods. They involve me literally hiding under my bed and eating a pint of ice cream while listening to I Can't Make You Love Me on repeat. For hours.

Eh...I actually care less about the whole perpetually-single thing than I used to. I mean, even if I had a boyfriend, I wouldn't know what to do with him. I'd be like, "hey there, significant other! is it cool if we only see each other three days a week or whatever? and when we do see each other, is it okay if I mostly ignore you?" Because seeing the same person every day of the week for hours at a time...ugh. 

That sounds all kinds of horrible. 

Moving on...I made the executive decision last night to not sleep. I had to read, like, twelve court cases for my sociology of law class and write summaries and critiques on them. You know, it would have been fine if I would of started right when I got off work at 9. But I decided that watching a documentary about killer whales on netflix was something that I had to do before I could start. 

I don't know. It wasn't a good life choice. 

But, yes. I didn't finish until like 6 in the AM, so I just didn't sleep. Again, I don't know why I did that. It was another poor life choice. 

When I got home from classes at 1, the coffee wore off  and I just crashed. It was almost embarrassing. I don't think I've ever been as happy to see anything as I was to see my bed after I got home. And when I say I completely crashed, I mean it. I slept for seven hours with my coat, hat, gloves, shoes and backpack still on. 

When I woke up, I was very confused. I didn't know where I was. My scarf was sort of choking me. I was sort of sure I'd been kidnapped. 

I don't know why anyone would want to kidnap me, honestly. I have no money and no marketable skills. Other than my ability to cook stir fry. Someone might kidnap me for my stir fry skills. 

Anyway, speaking of my job...when I get bored at work, I like to do weird stuff with the food in my line. It's not creepy weird, it's just strange. Like, I'll make towers out of country fried steaks or see how many frozen shrimps I can stack on top of each other. 

(My record is five.) 

But, no. Yesterday I built a tiny and adorable little city out of corn on the cobs. Or, erm, corn cobs, I guess is what normal people call them. Whatever. I had my corn on the cob city and it was great. I decided that its name was Cornatopia. And, I don't know, I thought that was really, really, extremely funny. 

I had to go sit down in the store room for a little while because I couldn't stop laughing and it was alarming people. Nobody else could seem to comprehend just how funny it was. Cornatopia. It's just...I don't even...it's so funny! How can you not laugh helplessly about that for like a quarter of an hour?

I'm not the weird one here. 

This isn't the first time my emotions at my job have succeeded at making others uncomfortable. Sometimes, when I cook things that have onions in them my eyes will water. My customers, who are mainly high schoolers, always get really freaked out and try to talk to me about my feelings. 

Sometimes, I tell them about the onions. Other times, I just roll with it and let random sixteen year olds go all therapist on me. 

I am not a good person. 

I am also a person who really needs to go make some circus waffles with my circus waffle maker. You see, I was far too busy sleeping today to eat. So...yes. I'm off to do that. 

Non-Fruit Ninjas, Dragons, and Cake

I'm baaaack! 

Well, not back so much as...writing again. I don't know. I've always been, like, around. I didn't go anywhere. I just didn't do any blog writing of late. Anyway. Things. 

I've got, like 16 days of school left. I am not excited. I like school...well, not school so much as my dorm room and not living in my house with lots of different people. There are lots of people at my house. Lots. I think we could be our own tiny nation, if we so desired. 

My dorm room is small and safe and clean and mine. My house is literally none of those things. Meh...I will miss you, room 336...

Anyway. I've decided I want a snake next year. Or a cat. One of those two creatures. Maybe both, I don't know. Pope John and I agree that I've gotten to the age where I can start filling my loneliness with animals. And cake. 

But back to my snake. His name will be something clever and he will eat dead mouses and everything will be fabulous. Unless he sneaks out of his cage at night and kills me. That would not be fabulous. That would actually suck. But...back to his name! I'm thinking Vincent Van Gogh. It could call him Vinny for short!

 But then people would think I named him after the Jersey Shore...

Hmmm. That would not be acceptable. I've never even seen the Jersey Shore (the place or the television show...) 

I'll keep thinking. 

So I went and saw a bodybuilding competition yesterday. It was weird. There were a bunch of really fit guys on stage (which I liked) and a bunch of really fit girls (which I did not like so much). They were all either really tan or painted orange. 

It was SO WEIRD, you guys. SO WEIRD. 

I was kind of disgusted, but also kind of fascinated. They were all so ridiculously in shape. I just wanted to tell them that there is a point where you stop looking attractive and start looking like an alien. 

Or a collection of balloon animals. 

The winner got a sword, though. I really want a sword. I could play real-life fruit ninja. But, with my terrible coordination and poor vision, fruit ninja would most likely turn into actual ninja. 

Because I would accidentally stab and kill someone. 

So, less ninja and more accidental murderer. 

Manslaughterer. 

I should know more about this. I am a criminal justice major, after all. 

Oh! In major news (ha, get it? because it's major news, but also news...about my major...oh, puns...) I added a second major. 

I am now a criminal justice-slash-sociology major. Hoorah! My life didn't feel quite useless enough for me.

 No, but I'm actually really excited. I love sociology and the only reason I wasn't already majoring in it is because there is no such thing as a job for someone with a sociology degree. 

But! With a criminal justice degree, I am somewhat marketable! So I can write more papers about how the emergence of the hipster subculture represents the breakdown of traditional gender norms, but still eventually get a job! 

Yay! 

So, the weather kind of sucks today. I know, I know...I'm talking about weather, but bear with me. It's hot, but it's also wet. It's like the inside of a dragon's mouth. 

If dragons were real and had mouths instead of, you know, no mouths because they are make-believe. 

But, I digress. I've changed clothes three times today, because I can't deal with it. I have no dragon-mouth temperature suitable clothes. I don't know if they even exist, what with dragons themselves not existing and all. 

Yeah. I should go before unicorns and basilisks get involved. 

Everything would just get weird if that happened.