Juice, Polygamy, Screenplays and Appletinis

Sup.

It's a Thursday. It's cold outside.

So, you know, the usual things are happening. Bad weather, day that ends in y...check marks all around.

But, I turned 21 this week. So that is an exciting thing that happened. I drank some appletinis and bought some beer even though I really hate beer. So...I have that now. I'm not going to drink it, because it is twelve kinds of nasty, but I have it. And I am legally allowed to have it.

So suck on that, everyone younger than me. I might be likely to die sooner than you, but I have beer! Legally!

Right now I'm awkwardly lingering in a Starbucks trying to kill the forty minutes or so I have between classes and work. I figured it was write a blog or work on a screenplay, so...

Oh, you think I don't have a screenplay?

You're right. I don't have a screenplay. I have, like, a dozen of them.

But anyway, I wrote a pretty fabulous paper on polygamy the other day. And by pretty fabulous, I mean that halfway through, it turned into a self-righteous rant about how it was Perfectly Fine to be single and about how other people shouldn't force their life choices on me, oh my god Mom get off my case.

Yeah...

I probably should have rewritten it, but I didn't start it until two in the morning the night before. So really I'm just lucky I wrote anything at all. It was a bit of of a mess though, I'm not gonna lie. I think at one point I combined, like, three different sociologists into one mega-sociologist.

It worked for the Power Rangers. Why not sociologists?

I'll let you know about my grade. I wonder if it's possible to give someone a negative score for an assignment.

Anyway...time for a story.

Before I tell this story, vosotros need to understand something. I have a weirdly intense, probably majorly unhealthy, love of fruit juice. Two particular types, apple and cran-grape, stand above the rest. If I don't have a bottle of each in my fridge, my mental state is less than ideal.

I honestly think I might be a little bit cripplingly dependent on cran-grape and apple juice. They are literally the only items on my grocery list that I buy name-brand. I have money in my monthly budget set aside for juice-items.

My first alcoholic beverage was an appletini because of the possibility it might taste like apple juice.

But back to my story!

So, I turned 21 Tuesday. I had a bottle of wine that I got from my parents for my birthday and I decided that I was going to open that sucker and have a glass. I'm 21, dammit. I do what I want.

Because I am a liquor novice, me and the bottle opener got into a bit of a tussle. And by bit of a tussle, I mean I threw it at my wall and now I have a hole in my wall shaped like a bottle opener. So I gave up on the bottle opener and used a knife to cut the cork in half like a really lame ninja or something. Unfortunately, that made the cork fall into the bottle.

So now I had a bottle of wine with bits of cork floating in it. It was really, really frustrating. I laid down on my kitchen floor for a while and my cat Commander Shepurred started chewing on my toes. I needed a place to put my stupid wine. And I had ruined the stupid cork.

But...what was that? And empty apple juice container in my fridge? What luck!

And it was lucky. Until this morning when I wanted a drink of apple juice. The wine was vaguely apple juice colored and I was tired enough that it passed. So I just took a big drink of of it. Of wine. That I thought was apple juice.

It was literally the worst thing that has very happened to anyone ever. I spit wine all over my kitchen.

I had to eat, like, half a dozen waffles to make myself feel better.

Anyway, in other news, the ladies at work have started to offer me rides home. Instead of being a normal human and saying something like "oh, no thanks," or, I don't know, accepting the rides so I don't have to walk a mile and a half to get home, I felt the need to explain why I hate accepting rides from other people and that my Danielle-brand of craziness that makes me unwilling, or let's beyond honest, actually physically unable to accept help from other people.

I just really hate depending on other people for things. For anything at all. A lot of me wants to get a medical degree so I'll never have to ask a doctor for help. I hate ordering things in the mail because it means depending on another person to deliver the things to me. I hate asking my landlord to fix things because it means admitting that I can't fix the things by myself.

I have problems.

Problems that require me to go now and not twenty minutes from now because I am too stubborn to take the bus.

The snow awaits.

Non-Fruit Ninjas, Dragons, and Cake

I'm baaaack! 

Well, not back so much as...writing again. I don't know. I've always been, like, around. I didn't go anywhere. I just didn't do any blog writing of late. Anyway. Things. 

I've got, like 16 days of school left. I am not excited. I like school...well, not school so much as my dorm room and not living in my house with lots of different people. There are lots of people at my house. Lots. I think we could be our own tiny nation, if we so desired. 

My dorm room is small and safe and clean and mine. My house is literally none of those things. Meh...I will miss you, room 336...

Anyway. I've decided I want a snake next year. Or a cat. One of those two creatures. Maybe both, I don't know. Pope John and I agree that I've gotten to the age where I can start filling my loneliness with animals. And cake. 

But back to my snake. His name will be something clever and he will eat dead mouses and everything will be fabulous. Unless he sneaks out of his cage at night and kills me. That would not be fabulous. That would actually suck. But...back to his name! I'm thinking Vincent Van Gogh. It could call him Vinny for short!

 But then people would think I named him after the Jersey Shore...

Hmmm. That would not be acceptable. I've never even seen the Jersey Shore (the place or the television show...) 

I'll keep thinking. 

So I went and saw a bodybuilding competition yesterday. It was weird. There were a bunch of really fit guys on stage (which I liked) and a bunch of really fit girls (which I did not like so much). They were all either really tan or painted orange. 

It was SO WEIRD, you guys. SO WEIRD. 

I was kind of disgusted, but also kind of fascinated. They were all so ridiculously in shape. I just wanted to tell them that there is a point where you stop looking attractive and start looking like an alien. 

Or a collection of balloon animals. 

The winner got a sword, though. I really want a sword. I could play real-life fruit ninja. But, with my terrible coordination and poor vision, fruit ninja would most likely turn into actual ninja. 

Because I would accidentally stab and kill someone. 

So, less ninja and more accidental murderer. 

Manslaughterer. 

I should know more about this. I am a criminal justice major, after all. 

Oh! In major news (ha, get it? because it's major news, but also news...about my major...oh, puns...) I added a second major. 

I am now a criminal justice-slash-sociology major. Hoorah! My life didn't feel quite useless enough for me.

 No, but I'm actually really excited. I love sociology and the only reason I wasn't already majoring in it is because there is no such thing as a job for someone with a sociology degree. 

But! With a criminal justice degree, I am somewhat marketable! So I can write more papers about how the emergence of the hipster subculture represents the breakdown of traditional gender norms, but still eventually get a job! 

Yay! 

So, the weather kind of sucks today. I know, I know...I'm talking about weather, but bear with me. It's hot, but it's also wet. It's like the inside of a dragon's mouth. 

If dragons were real and had mouths instead of, you know, no mouths because they are make-believe. 

But, I digress. I've changed clothes three times today, because I can't deal with it. I have no dragon-mouth temperature suitable clothes. I don't know if they even exist, what with dragons themselves not existing and all. 

Yeah. I should go before unicorns and basilisks get involved. 

Everything would just get weird if that happened.