Sharks, Snakes and Awesome Roadtrip Playlists

So. 

It's summer. That's a thing that's happening. 

I've actually had a fairly eventful summer so far. I went to Florida. So that was fun. 

It really was pretty fun. I went to Harry Potter land and bought a bunch of Slytherin merch because of course I belong to the asshole house that nobody likes. Whatever. Snakes are awesome, no one can convince me otherwise. 

I also spent a lot of time in the hotel watching crime shows. There were a lot of different ones with different acronyms, but they all kind of blurred together. It probably didn't help that I couldn't remember the title of any of them, so I just called them all CSI.

 As a criminal justice major, I can tell you that those shows are like the opposite of accurate. Being a "criminal profiler" is not, like, a real job that you can have. Just in case anyone was attempting to become a profiler. Just thought I'd kill your dreams for you. There. Dead dreams now. Have fun becoming an accountant or whatever. 

But, yeah, the car ride there and back sucked. I made a really obnoxious roadtrip playlist involving hipster tunes, movie soundtracks, techno music and showtunes. I enjoyed it. My driving companion did not. We compromised on listening to weird podcasts. 

Still, it was like an eighteen hour drive. Eighteen hours is a really long time to be without wifi. 

I also went to the beach and refused to go deeper in the water than, like, three or four feet. I am terrified of sharks. Also octopuses. As you can guess, the SyFy original movie Megashark vs. Giant Octopus was a veritable horror show for me. 

And before you accuse me of making things up again, let me assure you that Megashark vs. Giant Octopus is totally a real movie. I have it on DVD because of reasons. 

Most of those reasons involve high school Danielle spending money on stupid stuff instead of saving it for college like an intelligent human. I have all five seasons of Fringe because high school Danielle was a moron who had apparently not heard of netflix. 

And because high school Danielle was such a moron, I am now in the uncomfortable position of not having enough money to pay my rent next month. I need to get a job, guys. UUUUGGGGGHHHHH. 

Not having a car really sucks when job-applying, let me tell you. I can only apply to places within, like, a reasonable biking and/or walking distance because I would rather die than set foot on a bus. Buses are terrible, awful places. 

So, my choices are, like, work at the Pizza King or work at the liquor store. I kinda wanna work at the liquor store. Granted, I'm pretty sure that an employee discount on apple schnapps and other apple-flavored alcohol would end with me becoming an alcoholic. 

I just love things that taste like apples. It is the best of all the flavors. 

Anyway. 

I am slowly but surely attempting to become computer-literate. This is motivated purely by video games. Like, I'm not even going to pretend I care about the practical applications of coding or whatever. I just want to be able to run a ridiculous number of texture and lighting mods on skyrim without, like, breaking my computer. 

I love my computer. 

So, yeah, my normally completely embarrassing search history has been made all the more embarrassing with the addition of queries like "what even is RAM" and "PC gaming for complete and utter morons." I'm not going to lie, there are a lot more searches filled with angry expletives and creative cussword combos. 

I don't like being bad at things. It makes me feel like I'm back in math class. Math class was also filled with creative cussword combinations, but most of those were muttered under my breath or written on my desk next to unflattering caricatures of prime numbers. 

I don't know. Math sucks. That's the point I think I was trying to make. 

So today I realized that I may be spending too much time hanging out in my apartment with my cat. 

Apparently there is a point in time when even I crave the company of other people. Today I realized that the faintly unsettled feeling I've had on and off for the last week is loneliness. Like if I was a sim my social interaction meter or whatever would be at zero.

It's probably really weird that it took me over a week to realize that I'm lonely. Then again, I really haven't been lonely in, um, a very long time. My personality type kind of means that I hate other people and spending time with them like most of the time. INTP, bitches. I hate people...look it up. 

Luckily, my sister took me to get ihop this morning, so I feel better. I got to ramble and I also got bacon, so it was a win all around. 

I should be good for another week at least. 

At least. 

Ugh, I should go. I places to be and jobs to apply to. 

By that, I mean I'm going to mess around on my computer for the rest of today. I am excellent at priorities. 

Welcome to the Dark Side

So I wrote a paper last night. 

It was pretty spectacular, guys. It had a lot to do with murders and murderers because I am a criminal justice major and those are things that we write about. I finished it before dawn this morning, so that was a nice change of pace. Got like five whole hours of sleep. 

It was awesome. 

But, anyway, now my internet history is full of searches for murderers. I downloaded pictures of murderers to use on my powerpoint. I'm really glad that no one is sneaking peeks at my internet history. Not just, like, last night, but like always. 

My internet search history is just so embarrassing. 

And it's not even embarrassing for the usual reasons! It's just...ugh, let me give you an example. My last five searches are like "murderers who were under 18," "which alcohol tastes the least like alcohol?" "are colorblind people allowed to drive buses?" "hairstyles for people with glasses" and "best grad schools for writing, sociology, law, criminal justice..." and that list goes on for a while. 

My internet searches are not internet searches. They are stories. Each one has some weird incident attached. 

There's also, like, time stamps involved so you can see just how much time I spend on certain websites. It's embarrassing to admit that you spend, like, three hours a day on pinterest. Or to realize that you spent four hours last night reading dumb internet comics. 

It's bad, guys. I really hope that no government agencies are looking at my internet history. I bet they'd just look at each other and be, like, "Wow. This person is such a loser, I bet she has no friends." 

Preach it, government agents. Preach. It. 

So I have to give a speech in a little while over that paper I wrote last night. I'm excited. There is a room of people who have to listen to me talk for like twenty minutes. And they are not allowed to leave. 

Hehehehehe. 

It's great because I don't measure the success of my speeches in grade-form. I measure it in the number of times I am able to make a room full of people laugh at me. Or with me, whatever. I'm not really all that picky. 

I don't know why. I doesn't make any sense. I don't talk, like, ever in this class that I'm giving the presentation for, but give me a reason to get up in front of the class and I transform into a stand up comedian. And I'm a girl, so that's no good. 

Women comedians are the opposite of funny. 

I'll let you know how it goes. It might be great. It might be awful. It might be a little of both. I don't know. It's for my ethics class. Ethics are dumb and boring.

Boo ethics. 

Anyway, I'm in class right now. It's boring, hence the blogging. And  there is a random girl in here who just won't stop talking. The class has devolved from a lecture into a dialogue between this one student and the professor. 

The whole class is just sitting here watching the two of them with vaguely bemused expressions.

Some people...they have no self awareness, let me tell you. I am flawed, I am like super flawed, but I'm more or less aware of it. I know that I have issues. I know that I will monologue at a class today and get, like, zero of my points across. I know that about myself. That is a thing I know. 

I could go on. You know how all heroes have a dark side? Harry Potter had the fact that he was a horcrux. Frodo wanted to keep the ring. Batman has dead parents. You know, dark side stuff. 

Well, I too have a dark side. A dark side called Group-Leader-Danielle. Group-Leader-Danielle is everything bad that has ever existed about my personality. GLD (that's the acronym we're going with, okay?) emerges whenever there is a group project. It doesn't matter if it's like semester-long or ten-minutes long. GLD will emerge and do her best to seize control. 

It is so bad. 

I hate group projects. You can't even understand how, just, completely terrible I turn when group projects are on the table. 

This paper I wrote was supposed to be a group project. I went to the professor and asked him very nicely if he would let me do out by myself because I didn't want to subject anyone to the horror that is doing a group project with me. 

The only valid ideas? My ideas. The way we're going to do the powepoint? My way. No one ever tells me to be group leader, I just seize control. I am the Vladimir Putin of group projects. I will use whatever underhanded tactics I deem necessary to get my way. 

I like to think that I've become fairly chill since high school. My temper is manageable now. I barely ever throw foodstuffs at random passerbys in fits of insane and uncontrollable rage nowadays. I've injured, like, only four people in angry slap-fights this year. So...chill. It is a thing I am. 

Group-Leader-Danielle is not chill. GLD is the opposite of chill. GLD is about as chill as Krakatoa. If anything goes wrong, an eruption of hate and name-calling and possible physical pain is going to occur. 

And I can never admit that I might be the one it the wrong. I aggressively argued that there were five ninja turtles, not four, because I made a typo one time. That's a real story. That's, like, an actual thing that happened. 

So its bad. Its one of the reasons that I should never be in charge of anything ever. Like, ever. 

The fact that I'm aware of it changes nothing. I can't stop it. No one can stop it. Group-Leader-Danielle will not be contained. 

Anyway. 

In stir fry news...I will be stirring the fry again next year. I just signed up for my shifts. And because I've worked there for over a full semester now, I get like a five cent pay increase! So now I won't be making minimum wage. I will be making five cents above minimum wage. 

I am moving up in the world. 

But, in order to fulfill my basic needs like summer, like food, rent, power, wifi and netflix...you know, Maslow's hierarchy stuff...I am going to need to find some sort of job. 

Ugh. 

I do not want to get a job other than stir fry. I like doing stir fry. Stir fry is fun. Plus, I only have to work twenty hours a week. I do not want a real-person job where I have to work forty hours a week. 

I might just see if I can live this summer on my leftover money from this year. I might have to cancel my wifi and eat literally nothing but bread and ramen noodles, but I could do it. 

I'm going to go full Walden, guys. Be all isolated. Don't use the internet. Eat ramen and cheese sandwiches. That was Walden, right? The one with the ramen? 

 Sometimes I think that I'm one like or as short of a simile. I'm a metaphor, guys. And no one wants to be a metaphor. 

No one.

Bad Choices are the Best Choies

Guys, I finally understand why people under twenty-one are not allowed to do fun things like drink and gamble.

 I kind of think that adults over twenty-one should not be allowed to do these things either, if I am being entirely honest. 

Let me elaborate. This weekend, I made a lot of bad choices. 

So many that I have decided to declare last Friday night as Danielle's Night of Really Bad Choices! (Note: there is capitalization involved because the choices were Really Bad and I felt like the extra emphasis was necessary.) 

But, no. It was just a night of really bad financial/life choices all around. First, my sister and I went out to expensive dinner and my wallet was sad about it. My stomach was happy because it was steak and I love steak, but that is another matter entirely.

 I also had several fruity girly drinks with dinner because I am an adult and I can drink fruity girly drinks without shame. They were really expensive and did not actually contain all the much alcohol. After like four appletinis (best drink, by the way) and a strawberry margarita, I was slightly buzzed, like, at best. 

I have no excuse for the fact that we went to the casino afterwards. Like, no excuse at all. But, yes, my sister and I went to the casino and I lost all of the money I had in my wallet. 

It wouldn't have been so bad if I would have lost it all, like, straight off the bat. But there was a point where I was legitimately doing a good job and winning money! I started off the night with thirty bucks.

 When you're a poor college student that is actually a lot of money. That is half of a power bill right there. Or a third of a grocery bill, minus the name-brand fruit juice. 

I lost ten of it real quick. There's a machine called the Zodiac Sisters and let me tell you, they are some fickle bitches. I've been to the casino three or four times and half of those times the Zodiac Sisters are like falling over each other to give me all of the money. My dad and I won a hundred bucks one time. It was great. I bought a pizza. 

But, no, other times they are just coldhearted and terrible fake people who take my ten dollars and give me nothing back. That's what happened this weekend. All of my money...poof! Gone! It was like magic,  but not the good kind. Dark magic. Evil magic. 

So, yeah. Ten dollars all gone. Three and a half bottles of name-brand crangrape juice. It was a dark ten minutes for me. 

But, once I got over that and stopped wailing in despair, my sister and I decided to play blackjack. Blackjack is a game that I am terrible at. I panic and do incredibly stupid shit like hit on an 18 or stand on a 12. 

But, no, my sister is super helpful and will usually stand next to me and tell me things like, "no Danielle that's stupid don't do that why are you making these choices no do you hate having money no no stop." So it works out. But, there were only two seats left and they were far away from each other so I had to rely on my own horrible decision making skills for once. 

I didn't lose all of my money right away. I started with twenty, got up to fifty and then refused to stop playing until I was back to zero. 

I know. 

I know. 

I know. 

I am not a functional adult and I do not make good choices. I've got that. I am crystal clear on that fact. So, yes. I left the casino minus thirty bucks which, when you make minimum wage like I do, is equal to about a whole shift of making stir fry. 

But, to celebrate our crushing and complete defeat, my sister and I went and got cigars flavored like tropical fruit. They were terrible, made me gag and I smoked mine anyway dammit. I am an adult I am so allowed to smoke cigars flavored like tropical fruit if I want to. 

After that, we almost got tattoos, wimped out on getting tattoos, went back to my apartment, watched mediocre stand-up comedians on netflix (none of them were women because women are terrible at stand-up) and ate lots of cookie dough ice cream. 

Bad choices! All of the things we did were bad choices! 

It was fun, though. 

But, yeah, the next day the people with the apartment above me made some bad choices of their own. And by the people above me, I actually mean the water-heater above me. It broke, leaked and ruined my bathroom ceiling. I woke up, went in to get a shower and saw hunks of drywall hanging down like flakes of skin hanging off of a gigantic, shedding lizard. 

I don't know.

It was unpleasant, water was still leaking down and I got hit in the head with a piece of ceiling. I called my landlord to fix it, as one does, and the maintenance guy came over, which was good of him. What wasn't good of him was how he went upstairs, stopped the leaking and then just kind of skedaddled without even kind of fixing my ceiling. 

I had to call back later and then they told me that I should be able to handle the whole "slowly crumbling bathroom ceiling" business on my own. Um, no, landlord people. That is not a thing I can do on my own. I do not have a husband or a boyfriend or even a close brofriend who I can force to do it for me. 

Even if I would have decided to date that midget little person dude, this would still be an issue. He couldn't have reached the ceiling. I mean, on a scale of one to Colorado, it is not that high, but still. That midget dude was really short. 

But, no, I can get by on my own usually. 

I can do a lot of things that most girls would have their male significant others do. I fixed a bottle-opener-shaped hole in my wall. I know how to replace fuses. I can grill burgers like a champ. I know how to fly-fish for gods sake, but I cannot fix my holey bathroom ceiling by myself, landlord. 

I was very whiny and persistent and they said he'd come back on Monday. I'm pretty sure they did that to make me stop calling them. The problem was that this was on Saturday. I didn't get to use the shower for like two days. It was horrible and I hated it. 

Anyway, my ceiling is fixed now thanks to my maintenance guy. I gave him a fist bump and told him thanks. I'm pretty sure I weirded him out. 

Whatever. 

Right now, I'm kind of chilling out in the library and avoiding thinking about work. I do not want to go to work. Do not want. 

See, I usually enjoy my job. Making stir fry is the bees knees or some other saying that means cool, but is more relevant socially. Fly? Swag? YOLO?

I don't know. 

But, no, whenever the weather is good, people decide to make the trek out to Elliot, the dining hall where I work. And the weather is really good today, guys. 

Work is going to suck, hardcore. It sucked yesterday too. I worked in the dishroom, so it was already less fun than usual. But we had so many people. Usually, we have like two-hundred and some-odd customers. That's a usual night for us. Last night we had 380, which is just insane. We haven't had that much since thanksgiving dinner last semester. 

I saw dishes in my dreams last night, guys. I'm pretty sure there is still nacho cheese lodged underneath my fingernails. 

Working in dining is so very glamorous. 

Later. 

Modifications and Mediocrity: The Danielle Story

I didn't have to wear a coat today, guys. 

It was a strange experience. I felt like one of those slim fast adds where a person loses a bunch of weight, but in this case it wasn't a bunch of weight. It was two jackets and a coat. 

I don't know. I'm pretty sure the weather is lulling me into a false sense of security. I'm going to get used to wearing short sleeves and then BAM! zero degrees again.

Indiana is sneaky like that. It lures you in with promises of corn and high obesity rates, but before you know it you're walking to work in zero degree weather and the sidewalks are super sub-par because Muncie is literally one of the worst places on the planet. 

Living here is kinda funny in the way that women comedians are funny...so, not actually funny and more just uncomfortable. And there are lots of jokes about "that time of the month" wink, wink, nudge, nudge. And you keep looking at the clock and wondering if you should leave or just stick it out and get sloppily drunk because, let's face it, there is no way you are getting through this evening sober. 

And...that metaphor got away from me a bit. Moving on. 

So, I saw some people from high school this weekend when I was judging speech state this weekend. While I was there, I crushed the dreams of like a hundred children. It was a super rewarding experience...five out of five, would recommend. But, no, I saw a bunch of people who go to places like IU and Purdue and they're super proud of their colleges and their life choices. 

And whenever somebody asked them about school, they had exciting things to talk about and large amounts of school pride to display. Whenever somebody who went to Ball State was asked about school, they would sigh rather sadly, look out a rain-streaked window and shake their head slowly as they thought about the long past springtime of their youth. 

Spoiler alert...that was me. I was the one staring despondently out the window because Muncie is secretly a gateway to the underworld. 

Moral of this really stupid and rambling story: Do not trust Indiana or its weather. Do not trust.

But, no. There are so many things I was supposed to do this spring late winter break. And somehow I managed to not do any of them. Literally none. I am a winner. At life. And at making terrible choices.

Spring late winter break was weird guys.

So I bought skyrim for my computer. And...Welp. That sentence pretty much sums up my whole break.

For those if you who are woefully uniformed, Skyrim is a video game (or, let's be real, beautiful, cinematic adventure that is a landmark in both storytelling and awesomeness) where you get to fight dragons. 

What's better than fighting dragons? 

Oh, that's right. Literally nothing.

But, yeah. That's what I spent my break doing...exploring Skyrim and murdering dragons. 'Twas an epic quest, let me tell you. 


And that would be fine and all but, I get way too into things. 

It's a pretty basic component of my personality. If there is a normal-person level of liking things, I will at least triple that. If I has just a tad less self-awareness and a tad more money, I would buy or fashion skyrim armor and wear it on the daily. 

(I get like this about a lot of stuff, guys. Like, a lot of stuff. I am not a well-adjusted adult. I named my cat after a fictional space marine.) 

But...yes. I am way too into this game right now. Unhealthily so. There are these things called mods that make pretty minuscule changes to the game. I've downloaded like five dozen, just, graphics mods. They change completely random things like making the colors slightly more vibrant or the stars a little brighter or the texture on the grass more dense.

I have wasted hours on that shit. And that's not even starting in on the stupid mods that do stuff like make the enemies curse when you punch them. I found one that puts monocles and tophats on all the mudcrabs.

They are hella classy, yo.

And speaking of things that are hella classy...

I finally finished all of the apple juice wine in my fridge. So...I no longer have to triple check my apple juice before being sure it is in fact apple juice and not wine. 

Ugh. Guys, I hate wine. Even apple juice wine. It is just gross. 

Also, it seems that "apple juice wine" is a legitimate phrase that I am using. I am at a point in my life where I say that and I am referencing an actual thing.

I am...a hot mess. Cold mess? Lukewarm mess. Feels about right. 

Speaking of my appearance and its temperature, I am about five-hundred percent done with, like, having hair. I hate my hair. It is stupid and too long and, like, four different colors because of all the times I've dyed it. 

Maybe I should just shave my head and be done with it. 

Would I look good bald?

No.

Would it be worth it anyway?

Possibly.

Ugh. Life is actually horrible. I hate college and also Muncie. I hate dealing with people and things. People and things are terrible. I just want to become a professional writer and make up stories about people who are way more together than me.

Real life is so dull.

The mud crabs are tiny and they have no top hats. Also, the only way to improve graphics here is to wear my stupid hipster shades.

Ugh. Modifications needed guys. So needed right now.

Late Winter Break, Major News and Master Plans

Ugggghhhh. 

Guys. 

It is still so cold outside. It is March. It is not supposed to be cold. There is not supposed to be snow on the ground right now. 

Spring break is next week. This is the opposite of okay. I refuse to call it spring break. It is late winter break. 

Ah, well. It's not like I'm going anywhere or doing anything for spring late winter break anyway. I plan on chilling in my apartment and maybe replaying Mass Effect for, like, the eight time. I don't know. I should try to do something productive, like work on the book I'm writing or, I don't know, homework or something. 

I guess I can go to the bars? Or something? I am 21 now. That is a thing I can do. 

Speaking of my whole being-21-thing, I went to the casino again this weekend. I went in with twenty bucks and left with fifty! Yay! I now have enough extra money to either pay, like, half of my power bill or to buy two pizzas! 

It's really hard to order a pizza when you live alone, though. Because when the delivery guys comes to the door it's like I'm admitting, yes I do plan on eating literally a whole pizza by myself. Do you have a problem with that? There's a negative stigma that comes with eating a pizza by yourself, guys. 

Usually, I'll do something like play netflix loudly in the other room or turn the shower on or something and yell "oh, pizza's here!" to make it seem like I have another person to assist me in my pizza-eating. 

It's a lot of effort just to get a pizza. Usually, I just don't order pizza and instead eat lots of cereal. And waffles. And french toast sticks. I live primarily off of breakfast foods. 

Meh. 

I'm still disappointed about my super-lame spring late winter break plans. All of the other college kids are like "I'm going to Florida!" or "I'm going to some island somewhere!" And I'm over here in my stir fry corner like "I'm going to Fishers...maybe...if I can get a ride..." 

I need a car. And money. And also friends. I feel like all three of those things would be me improve in the long run. As a human. 

In Major news (see that's a pun because it's important news and also news about my major), I've been considering several different things to do. I need to finish this degree first...duh. I've sunk three years and several thousand dollars into this stupid thing. But once I'm done...I don't know. I don't particularly want to work with criminals? And also sociology isn't a degree that I can actually get a job in. 

So...I need a Master Plan (see that's a pun because it might involve a master's degree). A Master Plan that involves knowing what I actually want to do. My Master Plan most likely involves going to...wait for it...grad school! Or law school. One of those two things. 

Or I could just say screw it, drop out now and go to live in Canada. I had a dream I moved to Canada. It was pretty happy there. Maybe I should move to Canada guys. Maybe it's a sign. I love breakfast food, they have maple syrup. 

Granted, it's cold there literally all the time. 

So...maybe that isn't a thing I should do?

You know, I've typed rather a lot over basically nothing at all. I'm excellent at talking about nothing. I babble. And annoy. And irritate. And chatter. And ramble. 

I'm sure that there are other synonyms I could come up with. 

We've established...I'm loquacious. 

I'm also in the middle of a class. So...I should probably go attend to that. 

A Danielle by Any Other Name...

So I found out last night that all of the football players who I so kindly made stir fry for all year think my name is Jess. 

Jess? Really guys? I THOUGHT WHAT WE HAD WAS SPECIAL! I have cooked you dinner, like, a hundred times and you don't even know my name. My feelings...are so hurt right now. 

Not actually. 

Because it's not like I even kind of know any of their names. I know them by their orders. Oh, that guy? Sure I know that guy! That's beef, teryaki sauce, no veggies and white rice guy! And him? Oh, he's all three meats with General Tso's and noodles! 

But it was kind of funny, because when I told them my name wasn't Jess they were all surprisingly distressed about it. They made me tell them what my name started with so they could guess what it was. 

They guessed several very outlandish words that started with D before I took pity on them and told them my name. 

They got through Diamond, Dave and something that sounded vaguely like Dorkle before guessing Danielle. 

I kind of wanted to say yes to Diamond, though. Diamond is a kickass name. I would be really okay with someone thinking my name was Diamond. 

It's better than stupid Jess. 

In other news about my name and my job, everyone there has slowly but surely taken to calling me Dani. I'd just like to point out that I never asked them to call me Dani. I never referred to myself as Dani. The word Dani has never come out of my mouth other than following the words "Don't call me..." 

I have no clue why it's happing. 

And I don't know how I feel about it? 

I mean, I have always disliked the name Danielle. The name Danielle is stupid. I'd go by my middle name if I could, but my middle name is even stupider. 

So...Dani is a thing that's happening? I guess? We can see where it goes? 

In other news, I'm judging a speech meet this weekend. It sucks because I have to wake up early. Like, insanely early. Like, early as in "I usually go to bed like an hour after this" early. Whatever. It's worth it though because it gives me, just, an insane amount of power over a group of high schoolers. 

With a stroke of my mighty judging pen, I get to decide if their day is good or terrible. I am the decider of things and scores and whatnot! 

I'm quite excited, guys. It almost makes up for the insane earliness that I am being forced to deal with. I might just not sleep. I do that with alarming regularity. 

I like to claim I'm an insomniac. What I really am is a person with incredibly poor decision-making skills. 

Look at my track record. Look at all of my majors. 

There really is no arguing with those kinds of results, guys. Or, I mean, there could be arguing but it would be really futile and useless and blah blah blah. 

Speaking of lack of sleep things, I had a midterm essay due this morning. I'd like to claim that the account of me writing the essay that follows is due to the fact that I forgot about it or something, but that would be a lie. 

I didn't forget. I was super aware of the fact that I had a midterm essay due for several days beforehand. But because I'm a moron, I didn't start until two in the morning, like, eight hours before it was due. 

Professors really need to stop referring to assignments as things I "can't finish the night before." Some part of my special-snowflake-Danielle-brand of crazy takes that as a challenge. Don't underestimate me, professors. I once wrote a twenty page research paper the night before it was due. 

I'm impressive in the worst possible way. 

Honestly, my grades on my slapdash awful papers are usually pretty good. Better than grades people who actually spend time on their assignments and, I don't know, try. 

Imagine what I could do if I spent more time on my assignments. If I started actually writing rough drafts and editing...I might actually be able to take over the world, guys. 

But, then again, there are some pretty interesting documentaries about sharks I've been meaning to watch...

So I should probably do that before I get on with my world domination. 

You know. Priorities. 

Bars are Weird, Casinos are Depressing and So Am I

Guys, this weekend was weird. 

I turned 21. Went to bars. Drank alcoholic beverages. 

Refused to dance beyond awkward hand motions. 

You know, the usual. 

So, I accidentally hit my friend in the head with my, admittedly rather large, nose. It was pretty hard. There was blood involved. Coming from my nose, not her head. My nose is large, not sharp. 

Anyway. 

I didn't actually drink that much, for turning 21 and all. I'm kind of super lame when I'm drunk too. Mostly I wanted to go home and take a nap, but that is kind of my default setting so no one was actually surprised. 

I get really weirdly pretentious, too. I kept quoting Oscar Wilde for some reason and talking about obscure bands. I don't know. I just wanted to let everyone else know I was better than them. Because of this, I sang really loud when songs I knew were on. I also sang really loud when songs I did not know were on. 

Also, I was really cold, but refused to wear a coat because I didn't want anything obstructing the view of my very sparkly shirt. 

It was real sparkly, guys. Fishing lure sparkly. Intense amounts of sparkle. 

And for some reason, I kept calling everyone dude. I don't know why. I really, really don't. 

So, you know...shenanigans. 

But the fun doesn't stop there, oh no it does not. The drunk Danielle fun train is just leaving the station. Lots of embarrassing stops coming up, folks. 

I'm going to tell you something and you're going to think I'm lying, but I'm really not. 

A midget hit on me. And I ran away. 

And before you yell at me, I mostly ran away because a boy was talking to me. Not because he was a midget, specifically. And look, I know that "midget" is probably not the most politically correct term or whatever. But if I'm being honest here, "little people" seems way more offensive than midget. Little people is what my mom calls her kindergarteners. 

But back to my story. I was hit on. By a little person midget whatever. It wouldn't be all that extraordinary, but he was literally the only guy who hit on me. All night. Have I just been looking in the wrong niche or something? Am I, like, just attractive to midget little people whatevers? 

This is going to require some soul searching. Also, some more trips to bars in the name of scientific inquiry. 

I am nothing if not respectful of the scientific method. 

Speaking of things that are weirdly sad and smell like smoke, I went to a casino! 

It was super depressing, guys. Incredibly depressing. Depressing all around. Most of the people there were old or looked old because their skin had been exposed to lots and lots of cigarette smoke. 

It was a hotbed of sin and debauchery, let me tell you. 

I spent thirty dollars. 

And won nothing. 

I also learned that I suck at blackjack. Did you know blackjack was a thing you could, like, hardcore suck at? I so did. It was really sad. Took me like five minutes to lose twenty bucks.

My favorite machine was an under-the-sea-themed slot machine. There were sea turtles and it make a do-do-do-do sound whenever I bet anything. 

It was all very exciting.

Until I lost thirty dollars and realized that my juice would have to be store-brand this month. That shit is just unacceptable. It is either watered down or way too sugary.  

Ugh...my life. Is so. Difficult. 

I should go. I have homework that I didn't do because I was busy quoting The Picture of Dorian Gray in a bar and singing the National and Frightened Rabbit songs over Ke$ha. Loudly. 

I'm real cool guys. I so don't blame that midget for hitting on me. 

Later.