The Five Things No One Tells You About College

One week left to go of sophomore year, you guys. One more week. And then I am free to be unemployed and poor in the comfort of my own home instead of unemployed and poor at college

Hoo-rah.

So, as of next week, I will personally be halfway done with my college education with a degree in journalism/telecommunication/advertising/graphic design/criminal justice/sociology. (Mostly criminal justice, but hey. I've majored in all of those things, so whatever.) So I think I'm a credible source so far as college and stuff goes. I'm part of that culture, or whatever you want to call it. I'm cool, I'm hip, I'm part of the target audience that the Twilight movies tried (and failed) to market to.

(Mostly, the Twilight movies ended up being marketed to 13 year old girls and middle-aged women unsatisfied with their marriages. I was an advertising major for nine days. I know these things.)

Anyway, I was bored and thinking about college as, you know, a concept. I came up with five things that I really wish someone would have told me before I came here and my life got all screwed up.

Without further ado...

The Five Things No One Tells You About College

1. The Monopoly Money Effect

Unless you are one of the lucky few with rich parents who are also generous, you will be paying for college yourself. Just, an FYI...college is stupid expensive.

I know I'm probably the first person to tell you this awful, awful fact, but it's true. I could sell all of the organs in my body on the Taiwanese black market and still be in debt after college. I know. I checked.

(My debt adds about 75 cents a day in interest to my rather impressive running total. So...there's that.)

I'm paying for my degree with stupent loans (which is a combination of the words "student loans" and "stupid loans" because they are both things. Stupid, I mean. And also for students.) It's pretty cool because I just sign a piece of paper and them I get all of this money. Money for books! Money for food! Money for netflixs!

Money that I, eventually, am supposed to pay back. That part, the whole "this is not my money to have for keeps, this is my money to use right now and then give back later" doesn't really seem all that important right now. It's like monopoly money. It's not like real human money that I need to pay back. It's colorful paper money that charges interest in fun not in dollars.

That's a lie. It does charge interest in dollars. So now I have negative dollars Which is, like, the opposite of fun.

But, right now, it's hard to visualize the pile of money that I owe my school. Instead, I visualize the pile of xbox games I could buy with the money I owe my school. And v-neck tees. I look awesome in v-neck tees.

So, yeah. Monopoly money. Except, in this scenario Free Parking is actually $2,000 per semester parking and the Community Chest gives you free rape whistles instead of cash.

Like I said...college is weird.

2. Motivation is Hard

In high school, there was always someone there to tell you to get your shit done. Be it your parents, your teachers or your guidance counselor, there was always someone there telling you that you had to do your homework before you were allowed to take naps and eat pizza.

I mean, you could ignore them if you tried hard enough, but there were always around. Like gnats. Or very over-involved prison wardens. It was really hard to not do things in high school because there was always someone there to give you shit about not doing it.

But in college, you can do what you want. Want to sleep through your 11:00 class? That's fine! Whatever, bro...we know you have other things going on. No one is going to come remind you that you have a test you didn't study for or an essay exam that you're currently sleeping through. That's your business.

You have to make yourself study and make yourself go to class and make yourself not eat ice cream and pizza rolls for every meal. And it's really hard. Why would I go to class when instead I can stay in my dorm all day, not put on real pants and play xbox for literally fourteen hours without stopping?

That's one of the many reasons why college is awesome. And why so many people flunk out.

3. Graduating is Confusing

Have you filled out forms w, 92, button and a² + b² = c²? Have you taken all your classes in perfectly sequential order? Have you filed out a zoning permit for the ground you are currently standing on? Have you slaughtered a goat to the the old gods? 

Oh, you slaughtered it on a Tuesday...yikes. I'm afraid only goats sacrificed during full moons that fall on Wednesday are admissible. 

So sorry, but it looks like you aren't going to graduate this year! Try again next time. 

This is how it feels. This is exactly how it feels. It is way too complicated to graduate. In high school, people were always hounding you and making sure you had the right credits and all the other stuff you needed to graduate. Here, they just kind of shrug and say "everything will probably be okay, probably." 

You know what? They are probably lying to you, probably.

As someone who had majored in a stupid number of different things, I am well acquainted with the guidance office and the people who work there. Their favorite things to do are to put you on hold, transfer your call and "accidentally" loose your paperwork. 

Sometimes, I'm pretty sure I'm going to be in college forever. Literally. 

4. Be Yourself (Plus a Million)

For many people, college is the first time they've really been without adult supervision. They are free to do whatever they want and nobody can tell them no. Little Jimmy can dance if he wants to, he can leave his friends behind because his Dad isn't there anymore to tell him that he needs to stop dancing and go outside to play with the other kids.

Every little bad or annoying thing about a person is magnified by, like, a thousand in college. In high school, I was sort of antisocial and I was kind of into video games. Now, I very rarely leave my dorm and spend a good three hours a day xboxing (that's the verb form of playing xbox not, you know, boxing with the letter x).

Kids who sort of liked photography? Yeah, say goodbye to their faces because they will be hidden behind a lens for the next four years. Kids who had a lot of boyfriends or girlfriends? They will become straight-up prostitutes. Kids who occasionally partied? They will likely never attend a class. Kids who liked going to the gym? They will never stop exercising! 

Girls who were snarky and kind of liked to blog? They turn out awesome. And sexy. And awesome.

Yeah, well...I fully support people taking happiness where they can find it, but it is, just, really annoying sometimes. People become themselves in college. But...like to an extreme degree. A disturbingly extreme degree.

5. The Bubble

College is not like the real world. Not even a little bit. In the real world, you cannot wander around at four in the morning just because you feel like it, order a pizza and them sleep until noon the next day. In college, no one judges you for that behavior. That behavior is expected. If you get up before nine in the real world, you are a normally functioning human being. You get up before nine in college, you either have a class or are still awake from the night before.

College life is a bubble. People can see you on the inside of the bubble and they sort of understand what you're doing, but something about it is off and you can't really see all that well past the soapy exterior.

The bubble is pretty cool when you're inside. Everything is pretty colors and you get free sandwiches sometimes and everyone understands the references on Glee. But when you leave the bubble, like to go home or to leave campus, everything seems sad and depressing and nobody wants to debate philosophy with you, they just want you to order your damn coffee and go. This leads to a bubble-cling effect where the people inside the bubble want nothing to do with the people outside the bubble.

The people outside the bubble are weird. They wake up too early, they don't read the same books or listen to the same music as you and it's scary because they used to be in the bubble too, didn't they? Then you start to panic about the bubble popping and what on earth you'll do when you are forcibly ejected from the bubble and are no longer allowed to ignore the people on the outside.

And that's where graduate students come from.

That's my list. Do with it what you will. I need to go see if I can score a free sandwich from some guy on the corner. Later, all.

Day 104 of College: The Artist Formerly Known as Cedric Diggory

Today...


We've reached the 100s, people. I am no longer writing out what day of college it is. If that upsets you...tough. I have no idea why it would upset you. If it does...then you are the one with the problem, sir. 


Moving on from that oh-so-important formatting decision, my Thanksgiving break is over. Sadness. Now I'm back in Funcie Muncie with all of its suckiness and homework. Boo. My life is so hard. I did no homework over break. Literally none. AND I HAD A LOT THAT I WAS SUPPOSED TO DO. So now I have to write a speech about overpopulation, cut a stupid video sequence and do a bunch of other things that I forgot about before tomorrow. 


Anyhow. 


I still hate Twilight. Also, the way that vampire books have basically killed-off the rest of the young-adult books. I'm a young adult. I like books. But the only books available for me to read are about stupid sparkly vampires. I swear, they're on the TV now too. Did you know that there's a show called the Vampire Diaries? Seriously, it's like a real thing. And don't even get me started on True Blood...


People get paid to act like sexy vampires. People bother to watch TV shows about sexy vampires. Yeah, cause nothing is sexier than dead people. What is wrong with our society? At what point did necrophilia become an acceptable, like, thing? 


Why am I italicizing so many things?


It's beyond me at this point. 


I'm tired. There was a Friends marathon last night. Talk about quality TV! Jennifer Aniston may be the queen of bad romantic comedies at this point and, according to most tabloids, destined to die sad and alone. But, back then! She was awesome! Her show was awesome! 


I miss the nineties. Back when Friends was on and vampires were creepy creatures of night and not sexy. Or sparkly. Or the artist formerly known as Cedric Diggory. 


The 2010's suck. We have no Friends. We have no non-sexy, non-brooding vampires. Also, Jennifer Aniston is lonely. 


How sad. 


Danielle Out. 

Day Ninety-Two of College: Dead Mongooses

Today...
 (Well, actually more like last night)


I DIDN'T SLEEP. 


I'm serious. You know how most people say "oh, I didn't get any sleep last night" and really they went to bed at like two in the morning and actually got at least six hours of sleep?


Yeah, well, that's not what I mean. I mean that I literally did not sleep last night. AT ALL. 


It wasn't for, like, a particular reason. Well, I was freaking out a little about the whole major-thing...but I've been freaking out about that for like, months now. So...I dunno. I just didn't sleep. 


Maybe I'm turning into a vampire. 


God...that new vampire movie comes out this week, doesn't it? I still don't understand the attraction behind those stupid Twilight books/movies. 


I'm not hating without reason, bro. I read the books, all of 'em. And I STILL DON'T UNDERSTAND. I'm not gonna be one of those snobby people who're all like, 
                    "Twilight is an affront to literature and human decency." 
I mean, I won't say it out loud, at least, or post it repeatedly in online twilight forums. 


But, seriously, there has to be something that I'm missing. 


          Cause, in my eyes (and spolier alert here), this is the basic plot: 


1. There is a girl named Bella. Bella is a personality-less pale girl with exactly ONE facial expression. 


2. There are some people called Cullens. The Cullens are all sparkly and good-looking (and not gay...or so they claim). One of them is named Edward. He decides that he likes Bella, despite her having the personality and facial expression of a dead mongoose. He likes Bella A LOT. 


3. Stalking and special-hugs ensue. 


4. There are some werewolves and some angst. 


5. At some point in there, Bella and Edward get married. I dunno. Apparently you can marry undead things now. Poor Edward, having to be married to an undead mongoose. No wonder he talks about how bad she smells so often. 


6. Also, undead things can have babies now. Cause that happens. 


7. A werewolf (with really great abs) falls madly in love with a baby. AND NO ONE SEEMS TO THINK ITS EVEN KINDA WEIRD AND/OR CREEPY.


8. That's pretty much the sum of it. 


                   (spoilers over!) 




So...that's what I got from all like 7 thousand+ words of the Twilight series. Also, the word murmur. Someone murmured to Stephanie Myer too much as a child. Seriously. The word is on like, EVERY PAGE. 




Wow....I brought pop culture up into this blog. I don't usually do that. Unless it's Cosmo. Cosmo is always in the subtext of my blogs. ALWAYS. 


Now I'm probably gonna have to deal with hate-comments about how I shouldn't be hating on Twilight. I dunno. I was the one who read all four books. Granted, I did it mostly to understand my classmates in Junior High. 


Junior High was the worst. 


Danielle Out. 

Day Sixty-Five of College: Justice...Kinda my Middle Name. Kinda.

Today...


I skipped Journalism. AGAIN. But this time it wasn't even on purpose. See, my sister and me went car shopping today. So...that was a TON of fun. Except for the part where the car she bought broke down a few blocks from the dealership and the part where she refused to purchase me a retired police car. And yes, the whole lemon-car thing sucks for her...


BUT AN EX-POLICE CAR?


I would name it THE ENFORCER and we would have the best of times. Seriously. It even has the, like, floodlight on it so I could show up to parties and scare freshmen. The things that The Enforcer and I could do...


I would buy a police uniform and follow people I didn't like around all day. 
I'd arrest people for jaywalking. 
I'd make my siblings ride in the "prisoner containment unit."
I'd speed and never get caught. 
I'd read people their rights before I'd let them ride with me. 
I'd hit other cars, just for fun. 
If anyone asked for a ride, I'd tell 'em that The Enforcer only drives to one place...downtown. 
I'd call people who rode with me punks. 
I'd hit passersby repeatedly with a nightstick. 
I'd commit a string of thefts from various jewelry store and never get caught.
I'd arrest pizza drivers. Just cause. 
I'd buy a gun and shoot people for jaywalking.
I'd commender a fleet of other police-type cars and create for a for-hire police service. 
I would effectively rule all of central Indiana. 


I realize these ideas got steadily more outlandish and altogether insane. Still...a police car. HOW COOL IS THAT????


I am determined that someday, somehow, through theft or some other illegal form of car-getting, I will have a police car! And I will name that police car The Enforcer and we will ENFORCE...er. Justice. It sounds kind of like my middle name. Which is Lenae. Sort of like justice.


But, not really. 


There are other fun and altogether depressing things that I did today...but my excitement over The Enforcer has kind of eclipsed everything else. 


Twilight ruined the word eclipse for me. Also, most of seventh through ninth grade. 


I don't wanna talk about it. 


I'd love to stay and talk, but I have things to do. Like figure out how to obtain a police car. And Enforce things. Until I get a police car, I'm naming my bike The Enforcer. 


Evildoers beware. 


Danielle Out. 

Day Thirty-Five of College: Tattoos and Gibberish

Today...


The math behind these blogs is getting rather difficult. You know, I have to figure out when I wrote the last one and then figure out what day it is today and then add on days so its accurate. Oh, the things I do for all seven or so of my loyal readers. (Then again, I write these more out of self-pity than anything else.)


Moving on. So far, college has prompted me to make one life-altering decision. I'm never, ever, ever, ever getting a tattoo. Seriously. Every trampy girl here has a tattoo. A lot of the non-trampy ones do to, but...the trampy ones are winning on that front. I swear, I have never seen more chinese characters or different languages inked on people's skin. It's like a freaking mutli-culti ink-fest up in here. If you speak that language, then it's one thing. Then it's sort of okay...because at least you know what it says. But, seriously, if I was a tattoo artist, I'd just write curse words on people. Or the word "fish" over and over and over again. And then I'd laugh about it. 


How do you says "You're a total idiot" in Chinese? Cause I think the girl sitting next to me has it written on her freaking arm. Oh, and how do you say "If you can read this, punch me in the face" in Hungarian because I swear to God, there is a girl in my Journalism class who has it inked all over her neck. 


It makes you wonder...do people in other countries have random English words all over their bodies? Can't you you just imagine the chinese guy in a circle with all of his friends, proudly displaying his new tattoo? 
      "D-O-U-C-H-E-B-A-G." Then he'd nod all cool-like. "Yeah, it means 'courage' in English." 
Sure it does, foreign boy. Sure it does. 


So, seriously, before you get a tattoo, something that will be on your skin FOR ALL OF TIME, please, check on Google Translator and make sure that it says what you think it says. Or, crazy idea here, but bear with me, maybe you could get a tattoo in a language you ACTUALLY KNOW. 


Unless it's a tattoo based on the Twilight book series. Then, you get it in whatever made-up language you want. Because maybe it will keep people from finding out YOU GOT A TWILIGHT TATTOO. I've seen them...they're real, I swear. You know the girl with Hungarian on her neck? Yeah, she's got "and so the lion fell in love with the lamb" inked up on her lower back. There's also a picture of a lion. And a picture of a lamb. In case the words alone weren't enough for us. 


Good Lord, some people are dumb. Seriously, how did you get into college? Oh, wait, I forgot. 


This is Ball State. 


Right. 


Now everything makes a lot more sense. 


Danielle Out.