An Epilogue or Something

Hello!

 It’s probably weird that I’m writing this, but I was reading all of my blogs last night because I remembered that “oh yeah, those are a thing that exists” and they made me laugh and also want to punch young Danielle in the face for all of her Terrible Choices. Ahhh, memories. But yes, I thought I would do an update brought to you by current, adult Danielle. 

Current Adult Danielle is doing pretty okay! I have an Adult Human job where I work for the State Health Department and write plans about what to do in the case of emergencies. 

I have a fancy badge and everything. It’s all very impressive.

 I make Adult Human money and use it to pay for my Adult Human car and food and video games and student loans. I’m still living with my parents, though. Partially because student loans are sucking my all of my money from me ala Dracula but also because I like my parents and societal expectations are stupid (I can definitely say this because I am a Working Professional with a Sociology Degree).

So yeah, I’m still in Fishers…which is…fine. I do think I’m the only person in Fishers who is a) between the ages of 20 and 30 and b) not a parent of a coupla little rascals. 

Oh! But don’t get me wrong, I do have a son now! Bet that surprised all of you, huh? He’s like, a dog-son and not an actual human son, but he’s perfect and I love him except for when he chews up all of my things. He ate one of my dragon mini-figures. I mourned. (ps. Mini-figure is a new word I have discovered that can be used when the words “doll” or “action figure” make people give you pitying looks because you are twenty-six, live in your parent’s basement still and have a dog-son instead of a real human son. Anyway.) 

Dog-son (whose name is Magnus) and I go on all kinds of fun adventures in the wilds of central Indiana.  Well, we actually only go on one type of adventure and that type of adventure is walks. Because Magnus is a dog, he cannot do other adventures like going to amusement parks or observing art at museums. And because Magnus is my only friend, I also cannot go on other adventures. But on the bright side, I’ve have trekked the majority of central Indiana. So…hooray?

Anyway, biiiig reason why I’m writing this is because I was on the Ball State Campus the other day (for the first time since I graduated and literally flipped off the entire campus as I drove away) and I had what is either a mid-, quarter- or third-life crisis depending on how long I actually, y’know, live. Anyway, all of the college children look SO YOUNG.

 I feel a million years old now. I feel like Ursula from the little mermaid when she got stabbed by a boat. I too am shrieking in defiance as I descend slowly into a raging sea…just, in my case it’s a metaphorical sea made out of my own tumultuous emotions, but like…whatever. I think the comparison holds up. 

Other than my Long Lost Youth, though, I don’t really miss college. I was, like, poor and sad all of the time and I only had one game console. Ha, what a loser I was. Now I have four game consoles! Suck it, past Danielle. 

I also now have work clothes that are not a stir fry-sauce stained apron, which is an improvement? Probably? I mean, I am supposed to wear fancy adulty shoes (aka heels and the like) which kinda sucks…I mean, I don’t wear them. I wear tennis shoes and keep my heels in my file cabinet in case of Work Shoe Emergencies. But, like, the fact that I had to go out and buy heels (in size 13, RIP me) is an injustice all on its own.

 I also own several pairs of work pants now. So…that’s exciting. Like, I was being sarcastic in that last sentence, but I am kind of unreasonably excited about my work pants because I found ones that look professional, but are make out of sweatpants-y material so they are majorly comf. I also found a work shirt with tiny dragons on it, so I look AMAZING, I assure you.

Yeah, as that last sentence proves, I’m still the same so far as my interests and hobbies go. But now I have a small amount of Disposable Income. So I can BUY COOL THINGS ON THE INTERNET like SHIRTS WITH TINY DRAGONS ON THEM and EXPENSIVE CRAFTING MATERIALS and HOLIDAY COLLARS FOR MY DOG. 

So yeah, things are good in the principality of me. 

I hope all of you loyal blog-readers are also out there living your best lives. Probably some of you don’t live with your parents and have children that aren’t dog-children! I, Danielle, am very proud of all of you. Anyway, I forgot how fun these suckers are to write…I might write more or ‘em, if the fancy strikes. 

Bye! 

(Wait, I used to say Danielle Out…I liked that, I thought it was catchy. So…Danielle Out.)

cool skateboard tricks and unsolicited snakes

So hi. 

It's been a little bit. 

But I was bored and kinda nostalgic, so I decided that it was bloooog timeeee!!!

The reason for my boredom and nostalgia is that my sister graduated today and also I forgot to renew my netflix subscription so I have no shows. Both equally important life events, I think. 

But, no. My baby sister who is a baby is now graduated from high school. It is a bit alarming. They are letting babies graduate now. What the hell? 

That or she's aging. But I think the baby thing is more plausible. 

Anyway.

I went to her graduation. It was real long. And real crowded. And I waved real aggressively, but I don't think she even saw me.  

But it was all worth it because afterwards we went to get Mexican food and I got to eat like three chimichangas because chimichangas are actually amazing and will change yoru life for the better and like one margarita because it was the daytime and I am not an alcoholic!   

But for cereal, I am super proud of my smallish sister and her shiny new diploma and her fancy square hat. 

We're gonna be in college together, it's gonna be weird. Because I, like the idiot that I am...am going (trails off into mumbles) back to stupid school...

Ugh. 

Yes, I know. We all expected this when I got a sociology degree. I KNOW. THERE WAS REALLY NO OTHER OPTION I KNOW THAT OKAY.

Bluh. 

It just sucks cause I wanna be a functional adult with a job I like and stuff who doesn't live in their parent's basement. 

(Though, and I will be real w/ you here...I like my parents and their basement. My parents are cool. We hang out, like, socially.) 

So yeah. School is a thing that's going to start up here in a few months. I'm going online because the prospect of having to attend school in real pants terrifies me and because I dislike human interaction. So...yeah. I'm planning on doing that whole transition to teaching deal cause I'm pretty good with kids or whatever. 

They're cool. We like the same stuff (pokemon, apple juice, and pretending that we're dragons when it's cold and we breath out steam) and I've spent the whole year doing some sort of tutoring...so yeah. 

Ima substitute teach while I do school then teach for reals or whatever. Or at least that is the current plan. We know how good I am at sticking to plans! I have eight majors, just reminding you! 

Mmm, but in other news my sister is getting married. 

I'm the maid of honor because I am the sort of person who deserves honor. 

Her fiance can do math and I can kick his ass at smash bros, so I'm cool with him joining the fam or whatever. 

It's just...I didn't expect that a wedding involved so much, like, planning? It's stressful and I'm doing practically none of it? 

Just listening to my sister talk about it basically gives me anxiety-based hives. It's like "oh no, the harpist cancelled so now we have to find a new harpist and DO YOU KNOW HOW FEW HARPISTS LIVE IN INDIANA? THREE. THERE ARE THREE HARPISTS IN INDIANA AND ONE IS BUSY AND THE OTHER TWO ARE DEAD." and then it's like "so we need to rent a tent and it's GOING TO COST THE SOULS OF OUR UNBORN CHILDREN PLUS A $900 DEPOSIT." 

It's stressful. And it is all happening at the same time. 

When I was, like, a smaller human than I am now, I thought that adult life and things like wedding planning were arranged as, like, one problem after another. A series of one by one issues you had to address then fix. 

But, no. That is not how life works because that would be easy. Adult life means a billion stupid problems all happening simultaneous and you're so tired all of the time and your degree is just a piece of paper and now you have to go back to school to get another piece of paper and you just want to make a blanket fort and hide in it but you can't because you're an adult now and apparently that is not adult-like behavior! 

Ahem. 

It's been a long couple of months. 

But the weathers warm again, so that's...good? Most days its good. 

Some days its scary because warm weather means increased snake activity. I was kayaking with a friend earlier this week and I saw a snake and it was So Scary. I was So Scared. But I had been talking in a British accent before I saw the snake (because I'm a moron) and then after I saw it I just kind of...forgot? To drop the accent? 

So I was screaming curse words and things like "ROW FASTER IT WILL EAT US I'M SERIOUS IT TOTALLY WILL" but in a really dedicated British accent. So it sounded like I was just doing a bit. 

Like "I don't remember this part in Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, but damn girl you're selling it!" 

So, yeah. 

That happened. 

But, other than that I liked kayaking. Or, as I call it, Floating Down a River For a Couple Hours With Very Occasional Paddling. I'm a very lazy kayaker. Paddling only happens when there is, like, a clear and present threat of me hitting a tree and capsizing. 

So yeah. 

That's whats been happening with me lately. 

I lead an exciting life, I know. It's normal to be jealous. 

*does a cool skateboard trick out of the window and rides into the sunset* 

Way-Stressing

So I bet you all have been intently curious about what I've been up to lately. That or you all forgot I exist.

If that's the case...then that's fair. I haven't posted in forever. It's just that I haven't really been doing anything note- ah, er-blog-worthy of late.

There's only so many times you can say "I didn't get the job" before that shit gets boring as well as depressing.

No, but I've interviewed and been turned down at a whole host of interesting places since graduation! Grocery stores, student loan collectors, 911 operators, two separate Starbucks, an Autism treatment center...and that is literally less than half the list.

I am not good at interviews.

I have a tendency to ramble and sometimes hit interviewers in the face with my over-enthusiastic hand-gestures. My life. Is. A. Struggle.

But, yeah. Since graduating, I've been chilling on my parents' couch like a stereotypical millennial and occasionally tutoring kids my dad sends my way.

I'm currently helping out two Japanese kids despite the fact that I speak no Japanese.

So...yeah. Been keeping busy. 

But two weeks ago, I finally gained employment of a more normal variety. I am now...drumroll pleeeease...employed! 

Yay!

Guess what it is guys, guess. 

Oh...you saw the title. 

And looked at my facebook.

Yeah. 

I'm waitressing. 

 So, like...it's not exactly meaningful work...but still! Work! Money! Leaving my home on occasion!

All good things!

I am actually the worst fit ever for my job. It involves knowing about sports, knowing about beer, knowing about spicy food and talking to strangers.

So

Yeah.

I fit in real well

And yes, there have been challenges. Understanding social cues has never been a strong point of mine and I now have to do that for hours at a time with no breaks. 

Making eye-contact is also a thing that I normally avoid that is now required. 

Also pretending that beer isn't gross. I have to do that and I feel so dishonest. 

But, anyway, now we come to the thing I like about waitressing...

The money that is now in my possession. 

Seriously. Waitressing is awesome so far as that goes. I've only been doing it sans-trainer for two days and I've made like 300 bucks.

I have enough money to buy a PS4. I have not been this happy since I graduated college. 

Literally all I am doing is bringing people food and now I have all of this money in my possesion. 

Do I have have health insurance? Probably not.

Do I have a place to stay that doesn't involve my parents? No. 

Have I found a way to use my sociology degree? Hahaha, no I have not. 

Do I have a five-year plan? Absolutely not!  

But what I do have is enough money to buy a PS4 and the potential to make enough money to buy several more PS4s. A whole fleet of PS4s. So. Many. PS4s. 

But, legit. I'll probably go back to school eventually or something, but for now...

I gonna continue to pretend to like beer and play lots of fun games of my shiny new PS4. 

Headed for a Wedding

So yesterday I went to a wedding. 

And I managed to only light like three things on fire. So I count that as a success. 

My sister was part of the wedding party so me and her boyfriend drove there together. It was cost-effective and also safety effective because I tend to injure myself and others when I drive.

However her boyfriend and I did not consult on what we were wearing before leaving. That is normal. It would have been weird if we did. I just kinda assumed that it would work out?

Alas, my hopes were in vain.

You're probably thinking that we wore, like, clashing colors or something? Like "haha, I was in lime green and he was in orange."

That was not the case because one) of course I didn't wear lime green, lime green is atrocious. And two) we went the other way. Like, so so so far the other way.

Somehow we managed to wear the exact same shade of blue. Like, if we went to the store and picked out matching outfits it could not have been more perfect.

It looked like we were going to prom. It was incredibly stupid.

But yeah, that happened. 

The weather was good though, so that was nice. I was all worried it would rain and I would be waterlogged. Also, you know, the people who were getting married would also be waterlogged. 

So everyone would have suffered. 

But, no, the weather was good and no one was waterlogged. 

I was super confused about the whole "turn and look at people as they come down the aisle." So, at one point, all the people in front of me had turned around and I had not and it felt distinctly like they were waiting for something...

They were waiting for me! To burst into song! And serenade them! 

Haha, but really. 

The bride was pretty, the ceremony was sweet and no one was serenaded or waterlogged. 

And after that we went and did the whole reception thing. I've only been to one wedding before this one and I was like eleven at the time, so my memories of the whole thing aren't exactly clear. 

I was unaware that alcohol and dancing were such big factors. It was like drunken, adult prom! I had my matching prom date and everything! We even had assigned seats. 

There were fun little tables and there were fun little tea lights on the fun little tables, you know those mini candles that are used exclusively during weddings, Halloween and satanic rituals. You know.

But yeah, those were there. There were also fake rose petals, again the ones used in weddings and satanic rituals. So those two things were on the table.

And I had to wait like twelve whole minutes for food.

I'm not sure if I even need to tell this story. Like, I'm pretty that based on your knowledge of both the circumstances and me as a person, you can extrapolate what happened.

(I lit four petals on fire and burnt myself two times. Just...in case you were wondering about specifics)

It got worse (or better) as the night went on. Lots of shit got lit on fire. It was awesome. Five out of five stars, would recommend, will copy for my own wedding.

And then there was dancing. We all know how I feel about dancing. It is something that I think is cool. It is something that I would like to be able to do.

I want to be a good dancer. I also want to be dragon, to have a job and to be an Olympic figure skater. Preferably all at the same time.

Unfortunately, just because I want something doesn't mean i get to have it.

But I deserve like a participation ribbon for my efforts. Or one of those buttons that says "I tried."

Because I did dance. I also managed to injure the bride using only those dancing skills. So...two out of two.

I was doing my thing, usually finger guns and t-Rex arms, when my sister gave me a flying hug. Unfortunately, the bride was right behind me.

Long story short, I got bit in the back of the head and was legitimately worried that i had managed to break the bride, who is like the boss of the wedding, in the face.

Also a groomsman booty-bumped me so hard I have a butt-shaped bruise on my side and the groom stepped on my toes.

Why must people hurt me for doing what I love? 

I'll admit, I was upstaged in the dancing arena. The bride and groom had some mad synchronized dancing skills. My sister managed to do a dance that was at least forty percent jumping. It was alarmingly peppy. 

But, yeah, I went to a wedding and I didn't even ruin anything! I count that as a success. 

Congrats to the lovely Mrs. and Mr. Wilson! 

There are Giant Birds and Everything is on Fire

Well, we're almost there. 

Two weeks until I graduate, people. I feel like that scene at the end of the Lord of the Rings (Extended directors cut, of course) where there are giant birds and everything is on fire and Frodo is just like...

"It's over. It's done" 

You know what I mean. And if you don't, you obviously haven't seen Lord of the Rings and need to rethink your life choices. 

But yeah, I'm almost officially graduated. I am, of course, a panicky mess right now with finals and everything, but soon I'll be a grown-up in like all senses of the word. 

Whhhhhhhaaaaatttttt. 

What do grown ups even do? I have to get a job, people. Like, what? What even is one of those? How do I acquire one? What am I even doing with my life? 

I am so confused and stressed. 

Yeah, no. For now the plan is to do the stereotypical millennial thing and crash on my parents' couch until I am physically forced to leave. I mean, I want to also get a job so I can go get money and stuff while hobo-ing in my parent's living room, but I don't want my own house and/or apartment rn. 

The last two years have kind of proved that I am mostly incapable of taking care of myself? I mean, I'm not dead, so that's something. But I also ended up with a sociology degree and an astronomical amount of debt, so. 

Win some, lose most. 

But, yeah, I have so much crap to do for classes right now. Sadly, my modus operandi has not changed. I am still chilling on the couch drinking wine coolers and watching netflix. The difference is that now I'm doing it in, like, a stressed way. 

But, no, leaving my school also means leaving my stir fry job. Ah, stir fry. The days that we've spent together, frolicking around and cooking noodles and whatnot. I will miss you and all of your saucy goodness. 

Seriously, though. Not stirring the fry is gonna be hella strange. I literally have callouses on my fingers from where I hold the spatula. 

I bet all of the football players will miss me terribly. Whoever they get to replace me will for sure suck by comparison. They could hire celebrity chef Guy Fieri and, still, I would not be able to be surpassed. 

I mean, a lot of that is because Guy Fieri is actually the worst, but still. I'm great at stir fry. 

I'm just so stressed right now, you guys. I've been sleeping way too much because if I sleep for eleven hours, that is eleven hours that I don't have to think about all of the homework and group projects that I'm not doing. 

Before this year, I was pretty sure I was eventually going to get a master's degree. This year has killed that dream. No, it didn't just kill it. It brutally murdered it and then shoved its corpse in my face and I was all "No, please! Just let this horrible nightmare end!" 

And that's college, basically. 

It's been more than four years since I started this dumb blog. I don't update regularly or anything, but still. Four years is a long time. Like, close to a fifth of my life. 

Ah, naive stupid four-years ago Danielle. If only I could reach through time, whisper words of advice in your ear and punch you in the stupid face. 

You spent all of your money on Fringe DVDs and food and also got shitty grades and picked out a terrible major. No, you picked like eight terrible majors. 

Ah, well. I'm sure four years from now Danielle will curse the stupid decisions that I will inevitably make in the future. 

Whatever, I'm just excited to finally be graduating and leaving stupid Muncie and my stupid flea-ridden apartment. (I mean, they're gone and everything, but what if they come back? Flea Apartment 2: The Re-Buggening) 

I suppose this is where I must leave you all. I have more wine coolers to drink, and like all responsible bloggers, I don't drink and blog. 

I'm Too Cold For Witty Titles

It's been a while.

I say that a lot. You know what? From now on, I'm not going to says "it's been a while." We're just all going to accept that it's been a while and we're going to move on from there. Good? Good.

Moving right along then. My snot froze this morning. It was the worst thing that has ever happened in the history of all time. It was like negative ten degrees out and I was literally unable to breathe because of the snot-cicles blocking my nostrils. I didn't even know something like that could happen.

I wore two pairs of pants and I couldn't feel my legs for like half an hour after I came inside. I'm pretty sure if someone stabbed me in the leg, I'd be all "oh, okay" instead screaming like you're supposed to do when you're stabbed. I assume. I wouldn't know. I haven't ever been stabbed. 

But yeah. It's cold. Like, obscenely, irrationally, stupidly cold. I even let someone drive me home from work last night. My phone was all "lol, it's negative a billion degrees outside" and I was all like "okay it's roughly between Hoth and the ninth circle of hell out there, pls drive me random work friend." 

Great story, I know. 

Winter break happened. It was fun. There were holidays. On New Years, I got drunk and played glow stick tag with my family because I'm one of the cool kids. Glow stick tag is the best game out there and I will physically fight anyone who disagrees with me. 

I got some sw33t l00t for Christmas. My dad got me a dagger. It's sharp and pointy and awesome and I stabbed by coffee table with it. I also got tickets to bacon fest (because that's a thing, apparently) and a lot of batman stuff. All in all, it was a successful Christmas. 

But now it's over. And I am back at school. 

Ugh. 

School. 

I did manage to do some clever scheduling that means I only have classes two days a week. Unfortunately, that also means my classes start at 8 in the morning. As in AM. As in, I have to wake up at 7 to get there on time. 

On a related note, I'm pretty sure my neighbors all hate me because I have to set like fifty alarms in order to wake up on time, My walls are soooo thin. I feel like my neighbors can hear me breathing sometimes. And now they all get to wake up at 7 with me. Yaaaaaay. 

But, no, I'm really almost done. Weird, right? I am almost a college-degree-having person. It's a stupid degree that's all useless and stuff, but still. Degree. It's progress. Maybe. It may be progress. 

I don't know what I'm doing next year. To get a graduate degree or not to get a graduate degree. The eternal question. Also, to pay back my students or to fake my own death. More important questions. 

Anyway. 

In other news, I shaved part of my head. Or, I paid someone else to do it. Because...me with a razor. Do I really need to elaborate on why that's a bad idea? 

But, yeah. That happened. It was a Tuesday...I was bored...it seemed like the thing to do. Shrug. I don't know. I feel like it will help me when I interview for adult-person jobs. 

So, if that sweetens the pot for any potential bosses out there. I have most of a sociology degree, a dagger, a half-shaved head and a can-do attitude. Hire me! 

Whatever. I'll figure it out. I usually figure this stuff out. Sometimes. I sometimes figure this stuff out. 

Yawn. 

I should go. 

Classes are a thing that are happening here in a minute. 

Laterz. 

Take a Wok

Sup people. 

I'm incredibly bored. This is my last day in this class and it is still SO BORING. I was literally playing Pokemon on my 3DS until it died like a minute ago. The only reason I'm writing this blog because my primary way of procrastination has died. 

Wow. 

I'm almost done with this semester and I have put so little effort into literally everything. It's so sad. It's also sad that I am actually doing okay in like all of my classes. My lowest grade is a B. College is such a waste of time. 

I am so ready to be done with this whole college nonsense, people. Do I have plans after college? No. Do I care about that right now? I absolutely do not. Will I probably care about that in six months when I graduate? Most likely, yes, Yes I will.

But right now. Whatevs. What. Evs.

Other people annoy me. I'm in class right now and I'm just sitting here. Hating everyone. Look at them...paying attention and taking notes. Psh. Casuals. Playing life on easy difficulty I see, with your notes and your fancy shoes. 

Some of us like to do things the hard way, thank you very much. Some of us like to make things needlessly complicated. This isn't going well. I should give this metaphor up. This is not the hill I want to die on. 

Nothing is making sense right now. 

It might have to do with the, like, five hours of sleep that I got last night. I have a new game. I was busy playing it. It was Important.

But, no. Five hours of sleep. it's a thing that's happening. It's a think that's been happening every night for the last like two weeks since the game came out. Also, since I turned 11 and discovered the wonder of wasting time in the internet. 

I am not good at this whole "human" thing.

I either sleep way too much or too little.

I never do my homework or think about my future plans.

And today for breakfast, I had a candy cane and a juicebox.

Uuuuuuurrrrgggggghhhhhh,

I guess we should just be glad that I had breakfast, honestly. 

But, yeah. This is not news. We all know I make bad life choices. That is an accepted fact. Me and my bad choices, getting here five minutes late with starbucks. But the starbucks is actually apple juice and a candy cane because that is apparently how I roll.

Thanksgiving happened. Thanksgiving was good. I cooked stir fry in a wok because apparently I can cook anything so long as it is tangentially related to stir fry.

Ah, my job. Six more months at my job and I never have to be grudgingly polite to a member of a Ball State sports team ever again. 

Anyway. 

Finals week is coming up. I am not actually all the worried. The less preparation I put into something, the better it seems to go so...yeah. Studying isn't something that I am planning on doing, I'm not about that life.

This blog isn't making much sense or addressing anything of importance. If anything, it was kind of legitimately depressing, due to my lack of direction and healthy life choices.

Mkay. Class is over. I'm going to go find food, despite the fact that I left my wallet at home. 

This is going to be an adventure.